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    My father passed today

    Life is short. Try to do the best you can, almost always.

    We are going to pull the plug on my eighty-six year old father today. M y father traveled the world, and brought me along with him in many instances. No one is perfect. Having a perfect father, well going back to my generation, and beyond, usually not even close. Many men were different back then.

    Well, we did turn off the machine yesterday, and he continued to breath on his own for twelve hours, until he passed early this morning. He had coded out the day before, and that should have been it, but they worked on him for ten minutes to get him going, again. Not sure who approved that, but at least I somewhat got to say goodbye and apologize to him for all the bullshit my brother had him go through, as a weak, old man, with cancer and dementia, and more importantly see the process, and watch him fight, and struggle. To see the birth of my daughter, and almost see the death of my father. This is when life becomes full circle. Something everyone should experience with feelings, and detached to absorb it all. Life is fragile and precious, and life is fleeting.

    My dad had a real winner for a father. Apparently he drank a quart of whiskey a day at some point. When we were in the states, my brothers and I would see him roughly five minutes every summer, when he would come downstairs, and sic his dog on us, and then go back up stairs. My grandmother's was a sweetheart, but that was a couple of hours. Can't even imagine growing up in that household. Not to say my uncles and aunt were some of the very best and kindest people I have ever known. He once told Rocky Marciano, who was World Champ at that time, and who my uncle beat up in grade school, to get off his lawn, and leave, so my dad could finish his work. My dad was an improvement, but was an asshole much of his life, to my mother, my brothers and me, and my sister. I lost most respect for him a very long time ago as a young boy probably around age six, and his opinion mattered little to me. He didn't factor much, or at all in the confidence I developed on my own, or the responsible and self-reliant men that me and two of my brothers became. When you are the oldest you take the brunt of things. But, he was still my father. You can't pick your family. Most of my brothers and I accepted him back in our lives, because that is what you do. Working overseas, and getting remarried twice can certainly alienate kids. Technology was far different back then.

    My father made me want to be the best, and most supportive father I can be. And it is what I actually do best. It is the most important job that real men should aspire to. Your kids will be your only living legacy once you are gone.

    Traits I got from my father; not having the time to put up with bullshit, stupid people, and their actions. Intelligence. A work attitude second to none, and trying not to miss any work. He missed one day, due to a kidney stone. He sent my mother to the hospital to deliver me by herself, until his boss caught wind, and made him leave work, to go to the hospital. And of course, being a hardhead. And, some decent genetics. Honest, and not braking the law, other than speeding, and getting away from some cops with terrible driving skills. :-) Oh, and the bullshit of organized religion.

    My father made it past the point where he should have been living alone. He also made it past the point of invasive surgeries and anesthesia. I voiced my opinion about all these things to my siblings, esp. my idiot, overly optimistic brother, who proclaimed but Dad can live another ten years! Honestly, he probably cut my father's life short by three years, A life where the quality of life was quickly waning. if he didn't die from dementia. We all go sometime. I explained that getting all your teeth pulled out, getting a Cochlear implant, getting radiation and chemo all within in a year was hard enough on a young person, let alone a tired eighty-six year old man, with declining mental health.

    Get everything in writing, and make sure your kids/family know your wishes. Be sure to ban the sensitive kids you have, from dragging your life out, to have senseless operations, or even have those folks visit you in the room. Some people can't help themselves. My brother had unrealistic hope until the very end. Selfish!

    My father waited for my brother to leave, so he could pass. My brother couldn't shut up the entire time he was with my father. My wife had recently asked my father who he wanted to live with? It certainly wasn't me, because I am a hardhead, so he didn't even answer when she asked about me. He wanted to live with one of my other brothers. When she asked him about my goody two shoes brother, he said absolutely not because he put him through so much stuff. My father who absolutely did not believe in God and the foolishness of it, had to listen to my brother, while he was trapped in a body, tell him how he was going to go to Heaven, and see Jesus, and all his dead family. Can you imagine having to listen to that bullshit on your deathbed? My brother couldn't help himself.

    Make all your wishes clear, even if it means banning well-,meaning children and relatives from being anywhere near you when it is time to go. Life is far too short to put up with unnecessary bullshit. ;-)

    ​​​​​​​My dad got to see all of his children grow up, without losing one along the way. We got to share our kids with him. He had a rough childhood but ended up having an amazing life. Traveling and living around the world, He was also stupid enough to marry three different women. But, you can't pick your family, just as you can't learn grom making your own mistakes, along the way. Always take the path less traveled, and have a sense of adventure. Life is short.



    ​​​​​​

    #2
    Sorry to hear Rob. Went through similar with my MotherinLaw earlier this year. I had time in retirement to take her to medical appointments, x-rays, hospital stays. She had a raft of conditions, bad arthritis, then cancer. She suffered badly for over 2 years or so.

    When my folks died, first Dad then Mum, I had 2 sisters in our hometown , one a doctor to look after her. I had a young family but felt a bit guilty not being there more. So was happy to be around to help Amma.

    It was hard for my daughter, who is very strong willed to let her go. She was hoping another hospital could do more. Was also the time of covid. So had to basically beg one admin guy for my wife and I to go up and view the body.

    Yep. All our families are flawed in some way. Remember my Dad on his death bed saying he was happy we, the kids, were still close. As he had a sister he was estranged with. Who never came to the funeral.

    So mortality waits for us all. As hard as that is to get your head around as we busily live. Hold onto the good memories.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Gilly Goodness View Post
      Sorry to hear Rob. Went through similar with my MotherinLaw earlier this year. I had time in retirement to take her to medical appointments, x-rays, hospital stays. She had a raft of conditions, bad arthritis, then cancer. She suffered badly for over 2 years or so.

      When my folks died, first Dad then Mum, I had 2 sisters in our hometown , one a doctor to look after her. I had a young family but felt a bit guilty not being there more. So was happy to be around to help Amma.

      It was hard for my daughter, who is very strong willed to let her go. She was hoping another hospital could do more. Was also the time of covid. So had to basically beg one admin guy for my wife and I to go up and view the body.

      Yep. All our families are flawed in some way. Remember my Dad on his death bed saying he was happy we, the kids, were still close. As he had a sister he was estranged with. Who never came to the funeral.

      So mortality waits for us all. As hard as that is to get your head around as we busily live. Hold onto the good memories.
      Thank you, Gilly. Much appreciated.

      Yes, horror stories during the Covid times, about visitations, immediate deaths of course, folks getting married, things being put off/canceled what an unfortunate mess.

      One of my former co-workers this summer had a remembrance of life this summer for his sister, a year after the fact. They were showing pictures, and his daughter asked, who was is that with you, Dad? One of his other sisters chimes in/replies, that's Sue, your dad's first wife. Had't even told his kids he had been married before. I told him he should Photoshop some pic.s with black and Asian women, a gay guy with a seventies porn mustach, for the next remembrance of life his family attends. LOL!

      Yup, the family unit is one of the oldest chains in life we have. Fortunately life expectancy has increased. But, things are easier, and harder at the same time for kids. Or perhaps, it just seems that way. Life and rations were certainly more difficult, and harder to come by, and desease back in the day. Fairfax County where I live, was land granted to Lord Fairfax from the King. Being one of the wealthiest, and largest landowners still did not stop his wife from dying of scurvy. Phones and devices have meant that few young people are ever alone now, or could make it alone, unless you have incorporated that into their lives.

      I have treated and talked to my my daughter as if she were an adult from day one, and have always been her biggest supporter I have always been open and honest with her, and she the same with me. I feel very fortunate with the relationship with her.. It is times like this, with deaths, that you can have some talks about your plans and expectations. I have certainly told her mine, and my wishes, but I have also told her, when it comes a point, I might just disappear on my own, and if I get to a point where that is not possible, to have her not prolong the inevitable. We all got to go sometime. We all have to enjoy every day we have. I reset every single day..

      I have had a ton of folks who over the years who have asked me if I will see them tomorrow ? I always say the same thing. "That is my plan!" And usually they ask me what I mean by that? I tell them there are no guarantees for anyone, and I don't want to be known as a liar, as the last thing I have ever said to them, was, yes, you will see me , I will see you tomorrow, if I should pass. Then they will say that Rob was a liar. He told me he would see me tomorrow, and he died.

      My theme song for my memorial will be Soul Survivor from ASIA. Sadly for the rest of you, no one will hear it, because I will be the only one left. :-)

      The new guys I work with always make comments of how well I get along with women, and the flirting I do. I tell them when something bad happens, and I am the only man left amongst the women, I will repopulate Earth.

      Life is far too short not to laugh, make people laugh, or have a sense of humor, and compassion for others. I have no use for people who don't.
      Last edited by luvyesmusic; 10-23-2022, 10:07 PM.

      Comment


        #4
        My condolences to you and your family Rob! You're a good man, just like your father was.

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          #5
          Originally posted by Mr. Holland View Post
          My condolences to you and your family Rob! You're a good man, just like your father was.
          Thank you, Arno.

          Whether we care to admit it, we are probably more similar in character to our parents than we actually care to admit. For better and/or worse.

          I'd like to think I have my own bad/soley unique attributes, far different than my parents, but then I see much of me, and my wife in my daughter's DNA/actions and mannerisms. Not sure if all are genetic or learned, but my daughter also cusses like a sailor, and has little patience when driving on the road ; just like my wife, er ,me.. ;-)

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            #6
            my condolences to you at this time
            The Definitive YES Albums

            -The Yes Album-Fragile-Close to the Edge-Tales From Topographic Oceans-
            -Relayer-Going for the One-Drama-90125-Big Generator-Union-Talk-
            -The Ladder-Magnification-Fly From Here-The Quest-

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              #7
              My heartfelt sympathies to you at this most difficult time.

              Gaz
              "All that dies dies for a reason - To put its strength into the season."

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                #8
                Rob, thank you for your honesty and rawness in expressing your feelings about your dad’s life, your relationship with him and his passing. Thinking of you, buddy.

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                  #9
                  Condolences to you Mr. Rob. It is a difficult time when a parent passes. My best to you and your family

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by soundchaser09 View Post
                    my condolences to you at this time
                    Thank you!

                    I had always wondered how I would react with the death of siblings ( something I have yet to experience, but we do have an insane brother who is dead to just about everyone in the family. I did, however try to share my wonderful daughter with him. I am the only one in the family who has not put a restraining order against him ) and parents? Pretty much as I would expect when it came to my father. He had a full life, he was old, with various , increasing bad issues, and health concerns. We all start to wear out after our twenties.

                    I feel sorry, and half huge respect for caregivers who do there best. But honestly, it was past time for my father. I look at and observe folks every day. My siblings were a bit late and noticing, or at least acknowledging/ admitting what was happening. My father was a former athlete and was in pretty good shape until close to the end. He smoked much of his earlier life, and alcoholism ran in his family. He enjoyed his wine until fairly recently. But, certainly, it is not conducive to a long life for many folks, but good genetics, and being a hardhead will often defy the odds.

                    My father didn't readily admit it share his feelings on his decline. It's hard getting old, if you make it that far, and most folks don't want to give up their freedoms without a fight. Old people often times continue to drive at their own risk and peril, and unfortunately put others at risk when they continue to drive on public roads. Try telling an old person what to do. Half the time, you can't even get them to use a cane. ;-)

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by GAZ View Post
                      My heartfelt sympathies to you at this most difficult time.

                      Gaz
                      Thank you, very much, GAZ.

                      Not a difficult time for me. I can't imagine myself even making close to that ripe old age of eighty six. That is an accomplishment on its own. My father will continue to live through his kids, and grandkids.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Enlighten View Post
                        Rob, thank you for your honesty and rawness in expressing your feelings about your dad’s life, your relationship with him and his passing. Thinking of you, buddy.
                        Thank you, Jay.

                        I pondered, and struggled a bit if I should even post of my father's passing. Well, that really wasn't a struggle, it was a matter of if I should reflect, and share, and go into fat too much detail, but, I gotta be me. :-)

                        As one of my friends/customers who retired as a nurse said to me yesterday, who I have shared part of this journey/adventure, is that your dad full well knew how you, and your siblings would react and behave in their own, individual ways. She said my father wouldn't expect anything less from my brother. And, she was/is correct about that.

                        I was hoping he would grab my brother by the throat. :-) People deserve to die in peace in their deathbed, and whether good intentions, and selfishness on others' part, if you know that religion or belief in a false god was not in a person's life or their DNA, and that person is forced to listen due to medical conditions, you are only making yourself feel good, not the person who isn't going to miraculously change their mind in everything they have ever, or never believed in, in the short time they have left.

                        However, part of my postings was to possibly remind folks of what to do beforehand when it comes to their directives, and wishes.. It is the decency one should expect, and deserve from their family.
                        And to, obviously share my thoughts as a more mature person. My father was not a complete ass, as I might come across. He would never win any medals for being a father. He wrote in the will that I have, he couldn't possibly express his gratitude for us kids accepting, taking him , back, sharing our lives, and children with him, and that he surely didn't deserve it. He knew, just as most folks and parents make conscious decisions. There just comes a point, where you accept people/family for who they are, orove on from them. I had zero choice to have a far better relationship with my father as an adult, than I did as a child and teenager. Who would have imagined either of us would have made it this long, and gone full circle. What a journey!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by alex peters View Post
                          Condolences to you Mr. Rob. It is a difficult time when a parent passes. My best to you and your family
                          Thank you very much, Alex!

                          I cannot possibly fathom not being the very best, supporting parent I can be.

                          But for others, due to various circumstances, it's not in everyone's wheelhouse. I get that. Ultimately, you make your own way in this far too short life.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Sorry to hear about your Dad, Rob. You have a good perspective on life and I'm glad you could be there for him.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Davy View Post
                              Sorry to hear about your Dad, Rob. You have a good perspective on life and I'm glad you could be there for him.
                              Thank you, Davy.

                              Life is short . You should always share your feeling with your loved ones, as tomorrow is not guaranteed. You should never leave this Earth with regrets. Make the decisions of what you want to do, and what you want to accomplish. Don't wait. One very short life.

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