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Yes2Yes
11-15-2006, 07:33 AM
Football Fan To The Rescue


Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

soulsearcher
11-15-2006, 07:42 PM
Gynecologist


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
;
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler

it's funny because it's true!

ToBeOver
11-16-2006, 12:50 PM
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


:keyboard:

mmmYes
11-17-2006, 08:51 PM
Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM >

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package's between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

ToBeOver
11-18-2006, 02:30 AM
Restaurant Math

1. Pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat... it has to be more than once but less than 10.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1756.
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number you picked in question #1.

The next two numbers are...

YOUR AGE!



:keyboard:

relayerjim
11-18-2006, 02:38 AM
How smart is your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying
it several more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you
can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

ToBeOver
11-18-2006, 02:46 AM
How smart is your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying
it several more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you
can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

:lmao:

That's just freaky!


:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
11-18-2006, 04:26 AM
How smart is your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying
it several more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you
can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

Help me Jim, I can't stop!!

Yes2Yes
11-18-2006, 04:37 AM
A Leprechaun and his Bodily Fluids


One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."

The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the leprechaun.

Amy
11-18-2006, 09:53 AM
How smart is your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying
it several more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you
can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.
Omg! LOL!

ToBeOver
11-19-2006, 12:00 PM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
11-20-2006, 02:03 AM
Confucius says:

1. Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.

2. Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.

3. Man who go to bed with hard problem
wake up with solution in hand.

4. He who farts in church sits in own pew.

5. He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish, but he
who has holes in pockets feels nuts.

6. Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.

7. He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.

8. Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

9. Seven day honeymoon make hole weak.

10. Man who lays Woman on hill not on level.

11. Man who lays Woman on ground get "piece of earth."

12. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.

13. Woman who fly plane upside-down have crack up.

14. Man who lays prostitute puts stomach "on the bum."

15. Man have more hair on chest than woman,
but on whole woman have more.

16. Stenographer not permanent fixture till screwed on desk.

17. Woman who sleep with judge get honorable discharge.

18. Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

19. Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

20. Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

21. Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock.

22. Woman not bow-legged, just pleasure bent.

23. Sailor who get discharge from Navy leave buddies behind.

24. Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

25. Farmer who wants his eggs must have cock and pullet.

26. A state of pregnancy exists when a woman takes
seriously something poked in fun.

27. Woman who lay on spring get off-spring.

28. No difference between man and mouse -
both end in pussy.

29. Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.

30. Woman is like swing music, 3/4 jazz time, 1/4 rag time.

31. Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.

32. Man is young when he snatches kisses,
old when he kisses snatches.

32. Man who plays with self pulls boner.

33. Man who lose key to woman's apartment get no new-key.


:keyboard:

allpurechance
11-20-2006, 02:10 AM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

:keyboard:

lmaoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo, Marie!

Seamus(---it was spelled Seamus)was a cousin of mine...

:lmao:

ToBeOver
11-20-2006, 03:25 AM
lmaoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo, Marie!

Seamus(---it was spelled Seamus)was a cousin of mine...

:lmao:

I know how it's spelled, Frank... but that's the way the joke came to me and far be it from me to tamper with a joke!

Besides... maybe her husband was a killer whale; or two.... Shamus!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
11-21-2006, 01:59 AM
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"


:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
11-21-2006, 06:24 AM
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"


:keyboard:

:dog: That made me laugh out loud!

Yes2Yes
11-21-2006, 06:26 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td> </td><td>Insulting Parrot</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know."</td></tr></tbody></table>

neilius
11-21-2006, 06:57 AM
Anyone got the guts to type the aristocrats joke here?

Not me.


Ok.

plodder
11-21-2006, 07:29 AM
is that the same as the debonnaires?

ToBeOver
11-21-2006, 03:37 PM
Anyone got the guts to type the aristocrats joke here?

Not me.


Ok.

:eeek:

Not I.... :lmao:


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
11-21-2006, 03:38 PM
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."


:keyboard:

umgekehrt
11-21-2006, 05:30 PM
<div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/6PPplllAPWYYB4scI"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/6PPplllAPWYYB4scI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xmr8k_speedbandits">Speedbandits</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/speedbandits">speedbandits</a></i></div>

soulsearcher
11-21-2006, 06:15 PM
Shrewd Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

fovman
11-21-2006, 08:48 PM
A very, very old man goes to a psychiatrist:

old man:
Doc, I am married to a very beautiful young model.
She is very rich and we live in her huge mansion.
She has sex with me every night and cooks fantastic meals
which she serves me in bed.

Doctor:
So...........what's the problem???


Old man:
(sigh!) ....I can't remember where I live!

umgekehrt
11-22-2006, 08:16 AM
Napoleon
de Gaulle
Hitler
Atatürk
Mussolini
Stalin
Mao
Castro

http://img453.imageshack.us/img453/817/12175bodiespoliticplayboy122599loak8.jpg

Eagle
11-22-2006, 01:20 PM
Differences Between the Sexes
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7 FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING! UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Yes2Yes
11-24-2006, 06:25 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td></td><td>Bribe and Groom</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
11-25-2006, 02:44 PM
Top 10 reasons you know you're too old to Trick or Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to pee.


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
11-27-2006, 01:54 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull---- and brilliance only come with age and experience.


:keyboard:

yesfannh
11-27-2006, 12:33 PM
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

weebl
11-28-2006, 06:57 PM
A husband and wife are eating dinner one night when the wife asks, “If I died, would you marry again?”

“Yes,” the husband says.

“Would you let her into my house?”

“Yes,” the husband says.

“Would she sleep in my bed?”

“Yes,” the husband says.

“And would she use my golf clubs?”

“Definitely not,” the husband says.

“Of all things, why not the clubs?”

“Because she’s left-handed.”

ToBeOver
11-29-2006, 02:02 AM
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“


:lmao:

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'



:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
11-29-2006, 10:08 AM
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet!"

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

"Well, I guess I just panicked!"

True Believer
11-29-2006, 06:58 PM
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

ToBeOver
11-30-2006, 02:20 AM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time... for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon, that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."



:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
11-30-2006, 03:42 PM
Y'know, maybe we HAVE been there too long....

ToBeOver
11-30-2006, 04:28 PM
Y'know, maybe we HAVE been there too long....

:dog:

Good one, guns!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
11-30-2006, 04:31 PM
Female comebacks:

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
12-01-2006, 12:59 PM
All I want for Christmas... (http://boortz.com/more/funny/what_every_man_wants_for_xmas.html)

Yes2Yes
12-01-2006, 05:52 PM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
12-02-2006, 01:21 AM
Top Ten Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped:

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis, Jr. has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men Are From Mars, Women Can See Your Penis.


:keyboard:

soulsearcher
12-02-2006, 12:43 PM
Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

ToBeOver
12-02-2006, 03:49 PM
Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

:lmao:

Good one, Denise!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
12-02-2006, 03:50 PM
The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees 'The President Sucks' written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.

Later that day the FBI agents return.

'Well sir,' says the first agent, 'the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's'.

The President goes purple with rage and shouts, 'Is that all?'

'Well no sir,' says the agent, 'It's the First Lady's handwriting.'



:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
12-02-2006, 04:45 PM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td></td><td>Memory Loss</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"
</td></tr></tbody></table>

umgekehrt
12-03-2006, 09:11 AM
Anyone got the guts to type the aristocrats joke here?
Here's the aristocrats joke in ROT13

N zna qerffrq nf n cevrfg jnyxf vagb n gnyrag ntrag'f bssvpr jvgu uvf jvsr, uvf fvk lrne byq qnhtugre, uvf rvtug lrne byq fba, gurve Trezna Furcureq Fcvxr, naq gurve crg treovy Zbfrf. Gur zna fnlf gb gur gnyrag ntrag, "Jr'er n snzvyl npg, naq jr'q yvxr lbh gb ercerfrag hf."

Gur ntrag fnlf, "Fbeel, V qba'g ercerfrag snzvyl npgf. Gurl'er n yvggyr gbb byq-snfuvbarq."

Gur zna fnlf, "Ohg guvf vf ernyyl fcrpvny naq vs lbh yrg hf cresbez vg sbe lbh V nz fher lbh jvyy punatr lbhe zvaq."

Gur ntrag fnlf, "Bxnl, fubj zr gur npg?"

Gur zna evcf bss uvf cnagf gb erirny n cnve bs cvax pebgpuyrff cnagvrf. Ur ehaf bire gb uvf qnhtugre naq fubirf uvf pbpx va uvf qnhtugre’f zbhgu naq fur fgnegf fhpxvat uvz bss juvyr cynlvat jvgu uvf onyyf jvgu bar unaq naq svatrevat uvf nff jvgu gur bgure. Zrnajuvyr ng gur fnzr zbzrag gur fba fgevcf anxrq naq grnef uvf zbguref pybgurf bss naq fgnegf shpxvat ure sebz oruvaq juvyr fur rngf ure qnhtugre’f nff. Gur zbgure gura fgnegf fuvggvat nyy bire ure fba juvyr ur shpxf ure sebz oruvaq. Gur fba pngpurf gur fuvg naq fgnegf gb fzrne vg nyy bire uvf snpr naq uvf zbgure'f nff. Gura gur sngure phzf va uvf qnhtugref zbhgu naq fcvaf ure nebhaq naq fur fgnegf Serapu xvffvat ure zbgure naq fcvggvat gur phz onpx naq sbegu orgjrra rnpu bgure juvyr gur sngure fgnegf shpxvat uvf qnhtugre sebz oruvaq. Gur fba gura whzcf ba uvf zbz'f onpx naq fgnegf evqvat ure yvxr n ubefr juvyr ur fuvgf nyy bire ure. Gur sngure gura fgnegf gb fuvg vagb uvf unaq naq fzrne vg nyy bire uvf qnhtugref onpx naq urnq nf ur chyyf bhg bs uvf qnhtugre'f chffl naq chgf vg va ure nff. Whfg gura gur fba whzcf qbja bss bs uvf zbgure naq yvrf qbja ba gur sybbe. Gur sngure ehaf bire gb gur fba naq chfurf uvf xarrf hc gb uvf purfg naq fgnegf fhpxvat uvf onyyf naq yvpxvat uvf nff juvyr svatrevat uvf bja nff. Gur qnhtugre gura yvrf qbja ba gur sybbe ba ure onpx naq chyyf ure xarrf hc gb ure purfg naq ure zbgure trgf ba nyy sbhef bire gbc bs ure naq chyyf n ghor bhg bs n ont naq fubirf vg va ure qnhtugre'f nff. Gura gur zbgure gnxrf gurve crg treovy Zbfrf naq chgf vg guebhtu gur ghor naq vagb ure qnhtugre'f nff. Gur qnhtugre jevgurf ba gur sybbe zbnavat va cyrnfher juvyr gurve crg Trezna Furcureq yvpxf ure chffl. Gur zbgure gura gnxrf gur fuvg sebz gur sybbe naq pbiref ure obql jvgu vg naq fdhngf bire ure fbaf snpr naq fgnegf fuvggvat va uvf zbhgu. Jvgu uvf zbhgu shyy bs fuvg ur fgnaqf hc jvgu uvf sngure naq gurl eha bire gb gur qnhtugre naq fgneg wrexvat bss. Gurl phz nyy bire ure snpr naq obql. Gur qnhtugre gura fuvgf bhg gur treovy naq guebjf vg ntnvafg gur jnyy, cbccvat vg yvxr n gbzngb. Fur gura fgnegf ehoovat fuvg naq phz nyy bire ure obql juvyr gur fba naq sngure cvff va gur zbguref zbhgu. Gura gur zbgure, gur fba naq gur qnhtugre yvr ba gur sybbe naq fgneg ebyyvat nebhaq va nyy gur fuvg, cvff naq phz juvyr fvatvat gur fgne fcnatyrq onaare, juvyr gur qnq shpxf gur Trezna Furcureq va gur nff naq rngf gur qrnq treovy bss gur sybbe. Ng gur raq bs gur fbat gurl nyy whzc hc naq lryy GNNNN QNNNN!!!!

Gur sngure gura ybbxf ng gur ntrag naq fnlf, "Jryy, gung'f gur npg. Jung qb lbh guvax?"

Gur ntrag ybbxvat hapbzsbegnoyr, fnlf "Jryy qnza gung vf n uryy bs na npg jung qb lbh pnyy lbhefryirf?"

Gb juvpu gurl nyy sbhe ercyl "Gur Nevfgbpengf!"

ToBeOver
12-03-2006, 08:22 PM
Here's the aristocrats joke in ROT13

N zna qerffrq nf n cevrfg jnyxf vagb n gnyrag ntrag'f bssvpr jvgu uvf jvsr, uvf fvk lrne byq qnhtugre, uvf rvtug lrne byq fba, gurve Trezna Furcureq Fcvxr, naq gurve crg treovy Zbfrf. Gur zna fnlf gb gur gnyrag ntrag, "Jr'er n snzvyl npg, naq jr'q yvxr lbh gb ercerfrag hf."

Gur ntrag fnlf, "Fbeel, V qba'g ercerfrag snzvyl npgf. Gurl'er n yvggyr gbb byq-snfuvbarq."

Gur zna fnlf, "Ohg guvf vf ernyyl fcrpvny naq vs lbh yrg hf cresbez vg sbe lbh V nz fher lbh jvyy punatr lbhe zvaq."

Gur ntrag fnlf, "Bxnl, fubj zr gur npg?"

Gur zna evcf bss uvf cnagf gb erirny n cnve bs cvax pebgpuyrff cnagvrf. Ur ehaf bire gb uvf qnhtugre naq fubirf uvf pbpx va uvf qnhtugre’f zbhgu naq fur fgnegf fhpxvat uvz bss juvyr cynlvat jvgu uvf onyyf jvgu bar unaq naq svatrevat uvf nff jvgu gur bgure. Zrnajuvyr ng gur fnzr zbzrag gur fba fgevcf anxrq naq grnef uvf zbguref pybgurf bss naq fgnegf shpxvat ure sebz oruvaq juvyr fur rngf ure qnhtugre’f nff. Gur zbgure gura fgnegf fuvggvat nyy bire ure fba juvyr ur shpxf ure sebz oruvaq. Gur fba pngpurf gur fuvg naq fgnegf gb fzrne vg nyy bire uvf snpr naq uvf zbgure'f nff. Gura gur sngure phzf va uvf qnhtugref zbhgu naq fcvaf ure nebhaq naq fur fgnegf Serapu xvffvat ure zbgure naq fcvggvat gur phz onpx naq sbegu orgjrra rnpu bgure juvyr gur sngure fgnegf shpxvat uvf qnhtugre sebz oruvaq. Gur fba gura whzcf ba uvf zbz'f onpx naq fgnegf evqvat ure yvxr n ubefr juvyr ur fuvgf nyy bire ure. Gur sngure gura fgnegf gb fuvg vagb uvf unaq naq fzrne vg nyy bire uvf qnhtugref onpx naq urnq nf ur chyyf bhg bs uvf qnhtugre'f chffl naq chgf vg va ure nff. Whfg gura gur fba whzcf qbja bss bs uvf zbgure naq yvrf qbja ba gur sybbe. Gur sngure ehaf bire gb gur fba naq chfurf uvf xarrf hc gb uvf purfg naq fgnegf fhpxvat uvf onyyf naq yvpxvat uvf nff juvyr svatrevat uvf bja nff. Gur qnhtugre gura yvrf qbja ba gur sybbe ba ure onpx naq chyyf ure xarrf hc gb ure purfg naq ure zbgure trgf ba nyy sbhef bire gbc bs ure naq chyyf n ghor bhg bs n ont naq fubirf vg va ure qnhtugre'f nff. Gura gur zbgure gnxrf gurve crg treovy Zbfrf naq chgf vg guebhtu gur ghor naq vagb ure qnhtugre'f nff. Gur qnhtugre jevgurf ba gur sybbe zbnavat va cyrnfher juvyr gurve crg Trezna Furcureq yvpxf ure chffl. Gur zbgure gura gnxrf gur fuvg sebz gur sybbe naq pbiref ure obql jvgu vg naq fdhngf bire ure fbaf snpr naq fgnegf fuvggvat va uvf zbhgu. Jvgu uvf zbhgu shyy bs fuvg ur fgnaqf hc jvgu uvf sngure naq gurl eha bire gb gur qnhtugre naq fgneg wrexvat bss. Gurl phz nyy bire ure snpr naq obql. Gur qnhtugre gura fuvgf bhg gur treovy naq guebjf vg ntnvafg gur jnyy, cbccvat vg yvxr n gbzngb. Fur gura fgnegf ehoovat fuvg naq phz nyy bire ure obql juvyr gur fba naq sngure cvff va gur zbguref zbhgu. Gura gur zbgure, gur fba naq gur qnhtugre yvr ba gur sybbe naq fgneg ebyyvat nebhaq va nyy gur fuvg, cvff naq phz juvyr fvatvat gur fgne fcnatyrq onaare, juvyr gur qnq shpxf gur Trezna Furcureq va gur nff naq rngf gur qrnq treovy bss gur sybbe. Ng gur raq bs gur fbat gurl nyy whzc hc naq lryy GNNNN QNNNN!!!!

Gur sngure gura ybbxf ng gur ntrag naq fnlf, "Jryy, gung'f gur npg. Jung qb lbh guvax?"

Gur ntrag ybbxvat hapbzsbegnoyr, fnlf "Jryy qnza gung vf n uryy bs na npg jung qb lbh pnyy lbhefryirf?"

Gb juvpu gurl nyy sbhe ercyl "Gur Nevfgbpengf!"


Give me some time and I'll post the joke in English.... :lmao:

It really is the dirtiest joke I've ever read...


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
12-03-2006, 08:24 PM
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."


:keyboard:

soulsearcher
12-03-2006, 09:37 PM
Give me some time and I'll post the joke in English.... :lmao:

It really is the dirtiest joke I've ever read...


:keyboard:
what language is this joke in now?

ToBeOver
12-04-2006, 06:16 PM
what language is this joke in now?

ROT13 stands for rotate 13. Letter A would become the letter N, B would become the letter O, C would become the letter P, etc...

It's easier to have someone post it in English instead of figuring out the entire joke in this manner.... but I'm not sure you would really want to read it.... it's pretty nasty! :lmao:


:keyboard:

Bradders
12-04-2006, 06:29 PM
Blonde in a Snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

PLOUGH!!.........geeeeeeez ;-)

weebl
12-04-2006, 06:36 PM
http://www.degraeve.com/rot13.php

and i feel sick.

soulsearcher
12-04-2006, 09:40 PM
i don't think i have time to decode this.
maybe i am better off. LOL!!!

yesfannh
12-05-2006, 03:33 PM
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of -----es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of -----es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b**ch in the kitchen."

gunsfornuns
12-07-2006, 11:01 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
"You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

ToBeOver
12-07-2006, 04:18 PM
Supposedly this memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers ended up rolling on the floor in fits of laughter...

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."



:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
12-07-2006, 06:27 PM
Jay Leno: "Speaking of Christmas, the film 'The Nativity Story' opened over the weekend. This is interesting. Now, did you know that Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus only stayed in the manger one night? Did you know that? See, apparently, Bethlehem authorities came by and told them they couldn't have a nativity scene in a public place, so they had to move."

HarmonicKev
12-08-2006, 10:54 AM
A man is driving to work one day when he hears a voice inside him saying "Quit your job, quit your job!"

He knows he's stuck at a dead-end gig and hates his coworkers so he doesn't show up. On the way home, passing a car dealership the voice tells him "Sell your car, sell your car!" It's already paid off so he figures "Why the hell not? Guess I'll need the money now that I'm out of work!"

Approaching his home on foot, only a mile away, he hears the voice yet again, this time insisting that he should sell his house! Taking a moment to pause, he thinks of the skyrocketing property value of his neighbourhood and figures it has peaked and promptly calls a realtor. The house sells the next day.

After inking the deal, the voice reappears in his head and says "Go to Vegas! Go to Vegas NOW!"

With the entirety of his life's assets now liquified, without a home, he decides he needs a place to stay anyway and thinks he might as well have a little fun. So, upon arriving at the casino hotel, before he's even able to check into a room the voice becomes insistent when he approaches the lobby... "go to the roulette table.... go to the roulette table!"

"Maybe," he thought to himself "maybe this is so extraordinary that the hunches this voice is telling me may yield such incredible fortune that there's no way I should deny the calling."

He approaches the roulette table, his life's savings in the briefcase he holds. Before he can even think of where to place his bet, the voice beckons "put it all on black 33! Black 33!!"

It has all come down to the spin of the wheel......

and it rolls....

rolls and lands on Red 22.

The voice screams; "$hit!"

Dantalion Rides Again
12-08-2006, 11:24 AM
Seriously man ... that's one of the best jokes I've ever heard.

plodder
12-08-2006, 11:41 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
"You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

haha...did he get in? :lmao:

soulsearcher
12-09-2006, 01:23 AM
KFC: Our Daily Chicken

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

Yes2Yes
12-09-2006, 09:17 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td> </td><td>Reaching the end of a job...</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."
</td></tr></tbody></table>

Yes2Yes
12-13-2006, 05:35 PM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td>
</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
12-14-2006, 03:36 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td>
</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
</td></tr></tbody></table>


:dog: :dog: :dog:

Mike, you're killin' me here! ;)


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
12-14-2006, 05:45 PM
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home," said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again and he had his dick hanging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."


:keyboard:

Symbol
12-15-2006, 10:42 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does
this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so the y lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

cactus jon
12-15-2006, 07:14 PM
An executive comes in to the office and walks past his secretary. Noticing that his zipper is down,she tells him that his garage door is open. The dim witted executive does not understand, and goes to his desk. Later he realizes what the secretary was telling him. He goes out to her desk and asks if she saw his Expedition in his garage. She retorts: "No sir, but I did see a Mini with two flat tires."

ToBeOver
12-16-2006, 02:03 AM
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
12-17-2006, 01:33 AM
Pilot and Air Traffic Controller Communication:

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,--And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



:keyboard:

mmmYes
12-19-2006, 08:45 PM
I dialed a number and got the following recording:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>


"I am not available right now, but<o:p></o:p>

Thank you for caring enough to call. <o:p></o:p>

I am making some changes in my life. <o:p></o:p>

Please leave a message after the <o:p></o:p>

Beep. If I do not return your call, <o:p></o:p>

You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

</STR ONG>Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~ <o:p></o:p>

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.~~~~~<o:p></o:p>


Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~<o:p></o:p>


Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~ <o:p></o:p>


The irony of life is that, by the time <o:p></o:p>

You're old enough to know your way <o:p></o:p>

Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~<o:p></o:p>


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~ <o:p></o:p>


I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~ <o:p></o:p>


Every morning is the dawn <o:p></o:p>

of a new error.<o:p></o:p>

yesrolfer
12-20-2006, 04:22 PM
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber

11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

allpurechance
12-22-2006, 01:51 AM
Have you heard about this new reindeer Santa's got?

Randolph The Brown Nosed.

Reputed to be just as swift as Rudolph but has trouble stopping.

allpurechance
12-22-2006, 01:55 AM
Rudolph has been demoted!Something to do with his hearing.

Rumor has it there was an unfortunate incident with Santa's sleigh and an outhouse...

Details are sketchy, but reportedly Santa was heard to be yelling, "Dammat, Rudolph I said the Schmitt house!"

Symbol
12-22-2006, 08:41 PM
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
Before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
They say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
Pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
Went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll onl y confuse
Yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
Inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
A passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different
Models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
Things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
Took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
Life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
Hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
With Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
What remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
For a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
And left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
Confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
More.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
Family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
Dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
Hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the
Dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
Wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
On!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
Said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
Just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
Might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
Was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
My father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
Hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
Across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
Resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
The cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
A hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
Perfect health!

B-TRUE
12-23-2006, 01:52 AM
:dog:LMAO

OMG That is just great Pete!!!!!

allpurechance
12-23-2006, 02:16 AM
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

Keeps his ankles warm.

allpurechance
12-23-2006, 02:16 AM
What's half of infinity?

Nity.

allpurechance
12-23-2006, 03:05 AM
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

Because you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

umgekehrt
12-28-2006, 11:52 PM
Not a joke, but fascinating

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Tga-UG9oUYc"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Tga-UG9oUYc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Sheerah
12-29-2006, 09:06 PM
Why it's important to understand English:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

It was a short line. Just one guy in front of me; an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Canonsong
12-31-2006, 10:19 AM
that was too frigging funny LOLOLOL

umgekehrt
01-03-2007, 05:22 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/sHzdsFiBbFc"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/sHzdsFiBbFc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

soulsearcher
01-04-2007, 08:30 PM
Not a joke, but fascinating

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Tga-UG9oUYc"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Tga-UG9oUYc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

this is very cool umgy..
i love anything about animals..and i feel so bad for those little insects!

True Believer
01-04-2007, 08:58 PM
Why it's important to understand English:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

It was a short line. Just one guy in front of me; an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
:lmao:

soulsearcher
01-10-2007, 01:15 PM
Daughter's Prayer

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

JaneEyre
01-11-2007, 04:38 PM
This is for the LLs.

flep
01-12-2007, 01:25 PM
Wax crayons are great for drawing with but to be honest they're not that good for writing with.

But have you ever tried writing with a kebab?










Sheesh....

gunsfornuns
01-12-2007, 04:35 PM
A guy walks into a pub at the local golf course and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

soulsearcher
01-12-2007, 06:51 PM
A guy walks into a pub at the local golf course and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

good one!

YesJen357
01-17-2007, 01:19 AM
Saw a man breaking into a car near my house.
Hours later the Police called around to see if anyone in the neighbourhood had witnessed anything.
"Yes," I told them. " I saw the guy breaking into the car"
"Well why didn't you call us, we'd have come right away and we might have been able to arrest him?" Blurted the Policeman........."Well, I did try to call you guys," I quickly responded...."But my phone must be one of the old type. I went to dial 911; first dialing the number 9, but then noticed there was no number 11 on the keypad!!!"

ToBeOver
01-17-2007, 03:24 AM
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he
does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be gay. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless
__________________________________________________ __
Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one!


:keyboard:

YesJen357
01-17-2007, 04:28 AM
Hey, I don't get it........

Ha ha. Yes I do! Good ol' Billy Climax.

soulsearcher
01-17-2007, 01:02 PM
Porsche and Hedgehog

What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

YesJen357
01-18-2007, 03:38 AM
I'm not very happy today....
The sales-person at my local clothing store was very rude to me and refused to give me a refund on an item of clothing I bought from his store.
You see I went in to exchange a scarf I bought that was too tight!

YesJen357
01-18-2007, 03:41 AM
But on a positive note.......
I'm excited about having finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.!
How good am I?
I'm brilliant. I'm a genius...
The box said 2 to 4 years!!!!

YesJen357
01-18-2007, 03:43 AM
Failed a geography test though.....
Question: What's the capital of California?
Unfortunately I said it was "C"

YesJen357
01-18-2007, 03:46 AM
Last week I had to spend a few days in Hospital with burns on my feet.. Actually it was all over having mis-read the instructions on a can of Christmas Pudding I wanted to cook.
The label said "Stand in Boiling water for 20 minutes."

YesJen357
01-18-2007, 03:51 AM
(Just one more...)
Regrettably, that isn't the only time I have failed to follow cooking instructions correctly.
A while back, I baked a turkey for 4 and a half days.
The recipe said bake 1 hour for every pound.....and I weight 108 lbs!

Kathi
01-18-2007, 12:11 PM
*

soulsearcher
01-18-2007, 01:24 PM
Marriage Made In Heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

Dantalion Rides Again
01-18-2007, 07:26 PM
Guy picks up a tennis ball on his way to the bus stop, pockets it.

A lady at the bus stop goes, "What's that in your pocket?!"

Guy says "tennis ball."

The lady goes "Ooh that must hurt. I had tennis elbow once."

soulsearcher
01-18-2007, 08:34 PM
Guy picks up a tennis ball on his way to the bus stop, pockets it.

A lady at the bus stop goes, "What's that in your pocket?!"

Guy says "tennis ball."

The lady goes "Ooh that must hurt. I had tennis elbow once."


LOL kev!

Yes2Yes
01-20-2007, 11:03 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td></td><td>Talking Italian</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
01-21-2007, 11:18 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td></td><td>Talking Italian</td><td> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''</td></tr></tbody></table>

:dog:

Good one, Mike!

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are conceited.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


:keyboard:

YesJen357
01-21-2007, 08:21 PM
I had a lousy day yesterday...
Late home agin. This time, there was a power outtage while I was on the escalator and I was stuck there for 3 hours!

YesJen357
01-21-2007, 08:23 PM
Tried to make some Kool-aid...Has anyone noticed that the wrong instructions are on the packet???
There is absolutely no way that 8 cups of water will fit into those little packets!

YesJen357
01-21-2007, 08:26 PM
I've always wondered how the pharmacy prints the instruction labels on prescription medicine bottles.....???
I can't for the life of me work out how they get those little bottles into a type-writer!

ToBeOver
01-22-2007, 05:34 AM
I had a lousy day yesterday...
Late home agin. This time, there was a power outtage while I was on the escalator and I was stuck there for 3 hours!


Tried to make some Kool-aid...Has anyone noticed that the wrong instructions are on the packet???
There is absolutely no way that 8 cups of water will fit into those little packets!


I've always wondered how the pharmacy prints the instruction labels on prescription medicine bottles.....???
I can't for the life of me work out how they get those little bottles into a type-writer!

Good ones, Jen!

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
01-22-2007, 05:34 AM
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!"

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
01-22-2007, 03:12 PM
Vetoed Valentine Promotions

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect opportunity for marketing departments the world over to romance investors and donors with Valentine-themed promotions! Here are some that didn’t quite make it off the drawing board:
Nevada State Tourism Board
“Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling” T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs.

Ku Klux Klan
* Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer

Vatican Public Relations Office
* “Naughty Altar Boy” limited edition ceramic figurine

American Heart Association
* Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.

Daughters of the American Revolution
* Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with authentic period wooden dental dam.

PETA
* Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers’ Coat Competition

National Society of Organ Donors
* “My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)” cards.

Department of Homeland Security
* Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a “High Risk of Lovin’”

gunsfornuns
01-23-2007, 06:19 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,
dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing
50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."

SuperSonicScientist
01-23-2007, 06:31 AM
You are in a room with Adolf Hitler, saddam Hussein and a Drummer. You have a gun and two bullets. Who do you shoot?

Answer: The drummer.



Twice.
OH I really laughed at this one...
:drummer:

YesJen357
01-23-2007, 12:37 PM
I got invited to go water ski-ing with some friends of mine....But they don't fool me.
Clearly there is no such thing as water ski-ing.....Have you ever seen a lake or a river with a slope?

YesJen357
01-23-2007, 12:40 PM
Read in my local newspaper that our Parish Priest got himself into some trouble recently with a young lady parishioner.
Apparently someone found her pants in his vestry and his vest in her pantry!

ToBeOver
01-24-2007, 02:49 AM
Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said, "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?"

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked!


:keyboard:

SuperSonicScientist
01-24-2007, 03:21 AM
Rofl

float_your_climb
01-24-2007, 10:31 PM
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

BlankReg
01-26-2007, 05:08 PM
Top Ten Comments Made by Sports Commentators...

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."<LI dir=ltr>Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." <LI dir=ltr>Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." <LI dir=ltr>Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, specially my mother and father." <LI dir=ltr>Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." <LI dir=ltr>Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." <LI dir=ltr>Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." <LI dir=ltr>At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew." <LI dir=ltr>Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

gunsfornuns
01-27-2007, 12:14 PM
A Texan is driving down the road and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant that reads:

Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer

"Lord almighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"

SuperSonicScientist
01-27-2007, 12:18 PM
Pmsl

SuperSonicScientist
01-27-2007, 06:40 PM
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. turn it on

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this message.

6. Then hit this link Here (http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf)

7. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

Of course don't or some sky-marshall will blow your head off!

ToBeOver
01-27-2007, 10:30 PM
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"Whatcha gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"Whatcha gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by, carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up... I'll get my hat!"


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
01-28-2007, 10:56 PM
Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
01-29-2007, 05:14 PM
A little something men should know...

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

No, we're not impressed with your car... it takes no special skills to make car payments each month.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...thank you.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

We don't care if you hold the remote... unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 117 different programs in 5 minutes.

The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy?"

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: We don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life... you'll never see the 'island' coming.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance... in fact, PLEASE DO!

Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours"...the torn jeans and dirty t-shirts will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive versus a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us...WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing... it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Some women actually know more about a car and the mechanics involved than you do.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work;" besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the ladies room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us at arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss for one.

Just Face It...You Need Me More Than I Need You.


:keyboard:

soulsearcher
01-29-2007, 05:30 PM
One hungry Bush...

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

ToBeOver
01-30-2007, 04:25 AM
"If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


:keyboard:

plodder
01-30-2007, 07:58 AM
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

gunsfornuns
01-30-2007, 09:09 PM
What if we all looked like our pets?

ToBeOver
01-31-2007, 04:17 AM
Beverly Hillbilly Bobbitt

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' "Willie" for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed, 'over there!'
To John Wayne's "henry" that was waving in the air.
Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence.

Now "Peter" and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a dick doc said, 'Hey, I can fix that dong!'
'A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need,'
and the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
Video, that is. Unexposed. Case closed.


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
01-31-2007, 01:18 PM
How to give a cat a pill.



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

________________________________



HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. Pat dog on head as it wags tail for another.

soulsearcher
01-31-2007, 01:52 PM
Cannibals and Clowns

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

gunsfornuns
02-01-2007, 04:16 PM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

gunsfornuns
02-04-2007, 01:49 PM
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?

Of course...it's

Lord and Tailor

ToBeOver
02-05-2007, 02:44 AM
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?

Of course...it's

Lord and Tailor

:dog:

Good one, guns!


Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the...

"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill!"


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
02-05-2007, 02:10 PM
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up. Not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday... "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Jackaranda
02-05-2007, 10:14 PM
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

YesJen357
02-06-2007, 12:50 AM
Sign seen on the back of a horse drawn buggy....

"This vehicle runs on oats and grass.
- Mind you don't step on the exaust!"

YesJen357
02-06-2007, 12:52 AM
When Noah was riding the oceans on the Ark, it is quite obvious that he never spent much time fishing.......
He only had two worms!

gunsfornuns
02-06-2007, 02:08 PM
Lower enlisted life...

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid,so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump ---- out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

soulsearcher
02-06-2007, 09:31 PM
Afternoon Delight

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

ToBeOver
02-07-2007, 02:20 AM
Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants:"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke. . . Help me take... these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.



:keyboard:

fovman
02-07-2007, 02:23 AM
Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants:"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke. . . Help me take... these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.



:keyboard:

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your pants...

Luke: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!

ToBeOver
02-07-2007, 02:54 AM
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your pants...

Luke: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!

:dog:

Good one, Tim! :thumbs:


:keyboard:

Sheerah
02-07-2007, 04:53 PM
Q: What do women do sitting down, men do standing up, and a dog does on three legs?










A: Shake hands.

Bugeyes
02-07-2007, 05:03 PM
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 



Sincerely,

The Dog

soul warrior
02-07-2007, 05:33 PM
Good one peggy!

I posted this one in another thread this morning.


There once was a husband and wife who endured many years of a turbulent marriage. One day the man died and upon reaching the gates of heaven, was met by St Peter. Peter informed the man that he could let him in if he could spell the password. The man asked what the word was. To which Peter responded "love". The man thought for a moment and slowly said "L-O-V-E". Peter informed him that he was correct! So he opened the gate and invited him in. After a little while Peter told the man that he had to go upstairs to "talk to the Big Man", and would he mind watching the gate while he was gone. The man agreed and after a little while, to the mans surprise, his wife appeared at the gate! He said "Honey, I had know idea!" She told him that after he died, life was so difficult, that soon afterwards she got sick and died. The man told his wife how happy he was to see her and that he could let her in, if she could spell the password. His wife asked "what is the password?" With loving eyes, the man turned to his wife and replied "Czechoslovakia".

:-)))

ToBeOver
02-08-2007, 04:14 PM
The American Way

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race,
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world.

One day, they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won, they would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b*tches in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years, came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b*tches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."



:keyboard:

soulsearcher
02-08-2007, 04:30 PM
Future Handicapping

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

ToBeOver
02-10-2007, 04:23 AM
Redneck vs. Yale Student

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas.

They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two; Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three who*es in a pop up tent. They was three and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
02-11-2007, 07:44 PM
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

prem895
02-11-2007, 07:47 PM
Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve it.

ToBeOver
02-12-2007, 03:37 AM
Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve it.

This is just so wrong on many levels...


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-12-2007, 03:38 AM
It's Tough To Get Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Mable, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing!"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the darn jar
open."


:keyboard:

soulsearcher
02-12-2007, 12:42 PM
It's Tough To Get Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Mable, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing!"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the darn jar
open."


:keyboard::dog:

soulsearcher
02-12-2007, 12:46 PM
Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?

Start.


1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________

Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!

Answers: 1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.


Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress

gunsfornuns
02-12-2007, 01:40 PM
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Please pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

sirlespaul
02-12-2007, 10:30 PM
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Please pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

:lmao:

Q: Whats the famous last words of a redneck?

A: Hey guys, watch this!

ToBeOver
02-13-2007, 05:23 PM
Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shyte out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


:keyboard:

Jackaranda
02-14-2007, 03:03 PM
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

************************************************** ***********************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ----, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

************************************************** ****************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** *********************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya"..
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ********************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** **********************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

ToBeOver
02-14-2007, 03:45 PM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later, the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The teacher fainted.


:keyboard:

sirlespaul
02-15-2007, 08:51 AM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later, the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The teacher fainted.


:keyboard:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

ToBeOver
02-15-2007, 06:12 PM
Four football fanactics decided to go rock climbing one day. One was a Dallas Cowboys fan. One was a Denver Broncos fan. One was a Miami Dolphins fan and the other was a Buffalo Bills fan. They all thought they were the biggest fans and they wanted to prove it.

The four men started their journey up the cliff. While they were about half way up the Dallas Cowboys fan yelled, "This is for the Dallas Cowboys," and he jumped off the cliff and died.

The Denver Broncos fan was not to be out done by the Cowboys fan so he said, "This is for the Denver Broncos," and he too jumped off the cliff and died.
The other two fans finally reached the top of the cliff.

Then the Buffalo Bills fan said, "This is for the Buffalo Bills," and without hesitating, he shoved the Miami Dolphins fan off the cliff.


:keyboard:

soulsearcher
02-15-2007, 06:26 PM
Leopard vs. Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

MrZuLu
02-15-2007, 06:48 PM
these two are my favorites of this list

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

umgekehrt
02-15-2007, 08:08 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

MrZuLu
02-15-2007, 08:24 PM
ROFLMAO

what a nut job!

Bradders
02-15-2007, 08:27 PM
I biught my ex wife a nice belt and matching bag for valentines day.
The vacuum cleaner works much better now! :-)

soulsearcher
02-15-2007, 09:11 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

ummmm ..i can't close my mouth.

ToBeOver
02-16-2007, 04:22 AM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Hwqk7qd4HCk" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

:lmao:

I must admit, this is pretty gross!

Don't try this at home! I'm sure this can't be good for the digestive tract... :eeek:

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-16-2007, 04:25 AM
New meanings for a crazy language:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.


:keyboard:

SuperSonicScientist
02-16-2007, 07:03 PM
<o:p> </o:p>
I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

ToBeOver
02-17-2007, 02:55 AM
Different Attitudes:

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex . He could fly."


:keyboard:

sirlespaul
02-17-2007, 10:04 AM
To re-calibrate yourmouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anything

:lmao:

ToBeOver
02-18-2007, 12:15 AM
Violent Fems

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fcuking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-18-2007, 02:25 PM
Things Little Boys Shouldn't Know

One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years old, went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"

The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should never ask a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask a woman and that is definitely one of them. You will understand when you get older"

So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and started looking through it. As he was going through the purse he found her license. He was looking at it and looking and looking. Then he went back to his mother and told her, "Mommy, I know how old you are."

"How old," she said.

The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you weigh."

"How much," she said.

The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.

"Why son?" she said.

He said, "Because you have an F in sex."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-19-2007, 01:28 PM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the
angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?







Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. ;)


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-20-2007, 02:41 PM
The Mexican Grandma

During a trial in a small town in South Texas, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly Mexican abuelita to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Senora Sanchez, do you know me?"

She responded, "Si, I know you Mr. Williams. I know you since you were mocoso chorriado, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me, to your family and to your community. You lie, you cheat on you wife, and you manipulate people, and you think you're a big shot when you are nada, pura basura. Yes, I know you baboso."

The lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Sanchez, "do you know the defense attorney?"

Again she replied, "claro que si. I've known Mr. Rodriguez since he was a mocoso travieso too. He's a lazy puto, and he has a drinking problem. He can't keep a normal relationship with nobody, and he is the most pendejo lawyer in the state. And not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different putas. One of them was your wife! You member? I know Mr. Rrodriguez; his mama is not proud of him tambien."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge then asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you cabrones ask her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

:keyboard:

BlankReg
02-20-2007, 03:02 PM
Violent Fems

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fcuking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


:keyboard:

:dog:

soulsearcher
02-20-2007, 06:20 PM
Valentine's Day Card Shopping

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?" exclaimed the woman.

"Yes m'am. They're called darts."

soulsearcher
02-20-2007, 06:20 PM
Valentine's Day Card Shopping

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?" exclaimed the woman.

"Yes m'am. They're called darts."

ToBeOver
02-20-2007, 09:07 PM
A little boy comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"


:keyboard:

YesJen357
02-20-2007, 09:16 PM
*

happytheman
02-20-2007, 09:50 PM
What does a man need to tell a woman who has two black eyes?

....Nothing. - She's been told twice already!
I don't care who you are.... this is not funny

soulsearcher
02-20-2007, 09:54 PM
I don't care who you are.... this is not funny

agreed..i would second the emotion that battering jokes are off limits in this forum.

gunsfornuns
02-21-2007, 03:22 PM
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

soulsearcher
02-21-2007, 04:59 PM
Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

YesJen357
02-21-2007, 07:49 PM
agreed..i would second the emotion that battering jokes are off limits in this forum.
But it is ok to push a 90 year old man off a tall building???
Ok so long as everyone knows I didn't mean to offend.
In my country you are allowed to poke fun so long as it is at your own expense.
Don't worry, I wont post again for fear of offending someone.

ToBeOver
02-21-2007, 10:09 PM
But it is ok to push a 90 year old man off a tall building???
Ok so long as everyone knows I didn't mean to offend.
In my country you are allowed to poke fun so long as it is at your own expense.
Don't worry, I wont post again for fear of offending someone.

I didn't read your joke when you posted it, but I see someone quoted it.

Please don't stop posting in the Jokes Forum, Jen. I think sometimes you have to look at the big picture. Some people are offended by situations that may hit too close to home for them or just make them feel very uncomfortable. Physical abuse of any kind is always a touchy subject. The only advice I can give you is when you are posting a joke, just make sure that it's not something that you, yourself, would feel awkward posting.

I realize you didn't intend to offend anyone here and I'm sure others realize that, as well.

You have been a welcome addition to the Jokes Forum and I hope you don't leave. :crybby:


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
02-22-2007, 08:36 AM
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

soulsearcher
02-22-2007, 03:03 PM
But it is ok to push a 90 year old man off a tall building???
Ok so long as everyone knows I didn't mean to offend.
In my country you are allowed to poke fun so long as it is at your own expense.
Don't worry, I wont post again for fear of offending someone.

totally jon.

i don't think that anyone is pushing anyone off of a bulding, or is being pushed, bu tsome are the victims of secret domestic violence and then it can seem very offensive to them..or they know of someone that was involved...

either way, things that hot close to home are hard.

not your fault at all jennie.

ToBeOver
02-23-2007, 01:31 AM
The World's Greatest Cowboy (WGC) was captured by some Indians, who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But because he was the WGC, they would give him a last request. The WGC said, "let me talk to my horse."

So he whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead.

He takes her into a tepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later the horse returns.

The Indian chief says "Now we know why you are called the WGC! That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves. We will give you another last request." So the WGC asked to speak to the horse again.

The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked, beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde.

WGC takes her into the tepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out, and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and returns in an hour.

The chief says "The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse, but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you, but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you one more last request."

The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving it a shake, says, "Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!"



:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
02-23-2007, 08:01 AM
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

ToBeOver
02-23-2007, 12:54 PM
Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."

Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

Company softball team downsized to chess team.

Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

Company president now driving a Hyundai.

Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth.

Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.

Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.

Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.


:keyboard:

float_your_climb
02-23-2007, 10:30 PM
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding

them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,

and said, "Winnie the SH!T."

ToBeOver
02-23-2007, 10:58 PM
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding

them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,

and said, "Winnie the SH!T."

:dog:

Good one, Pam!


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
02-24-2007, 10:47 AM
From a magazine...

A little insight into the way we live now was offered the other day by Rick Kushman, TV columnist of the Sacramento
Bee. Mr. Kushman had been hobnobbing with studio people, and retailed the following story. Marc Cherry, the creator of ABC’s hit show Desperate Housewives, and, says Kushman, “a man who put in plenty of time in the mills of show business
before hitting it big,” told a gathering of TV critics about an
episode of that show in which one of the housewives, played by actress Eva Longoria, was in bed after a tryst with her 17-year old gardener. Cherry got a request from the network, he told the critics. “The censor looked, and said, ‘Does she have to smoke?’ And I went, ‘So you’re good with the statutory-rape thing?’”

ToBeOver
02-24-2007, 12:45 PM
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year old. " I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'

The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just
stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
02-24-2007, 12:48 PM
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'

The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just
stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


:keyboard:

:dog::beerchugr:

float_your_climb
02-24-2007, 01:12 PM
:dog: Laney!!

Yes2Yes
02-25-2007, 09:52 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;"> </td><td style="height: 15px;">I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td> A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
02-26-2007, 03:20 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;"> </td><td style="height: 15px;">I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td> A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

</td></tr></tbody></table>

:lmao:


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-26-2007, 03:22 AM
Elaborate funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," Helen said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Josie, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Josie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to
the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

Josie computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My
God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-26-2007, 03:32 PM
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


:keyboard:



:keyboard:

ToBeOver
02-26-2007, 04:23 PM
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese mine!"


:keyboard:

SuperSonicScientist
02-26-2007, 05:50 PM
We need a groan smiley!

Yes.2
02-27-2007, 12:56 AM
25 signs that you've grown up for good

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.


2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.


3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.


5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.


6 You watch the Weather Channel.


7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.


9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."


10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.


11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.


13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald 's leftovers.


15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.


16. You take naps.


17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.


18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.


19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.


20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ----."


21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.


22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."


23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work


24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her
instead of asking "Oh ----, what the hell happened?"



Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and you can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

ToBeOver
02-27-2007, 05:26 AM
Restaurant efficiency

I took some friends out to dinner last week and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random
thing.

Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but... uh... why, or what... about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."


:keyboard:

True Believer
02-27-2007, 05:33 AM
Restaurant efficiency

I took some friends out to dinner last week and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random
thing.

Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but... uh... why, or what... about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."


:keyboard:
:dog:

Kathi
02-27-2007, 11:22 AM
*

soulsearcher
02-27-2007, 02:25 PM
Bad reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

ranyart
02-28-2007, 03:04 AM
So it's back in the Wild West days and there's these two Calvary guys and one's a guitarist and the other guy is a bass player. So one night there pulling guard duty outside of the fort and off in the distance they can hear the Indians start to play there War drums so the one cowboy turns to the other and says "I don't like the sound of those drums" and just about that time off in the distance they hear an Indian yelling to them "That's not our regular drummer"

umgekehrt
02-28-2007, 08:16 AM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8uBAPbOWLxc"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8uBAPbOWLxc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

yesfannh
03-02-2007, 12:04 PM
A Montana rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has
been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives
a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of
sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

__________________________________________________ _______________

soulsearcher
03-02-2007, 12:13 PM
Assembly Required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

Jackaranda
03-02-2007, 12:15 PM
I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy. You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you are too young to work. So you get even younger---pretty soon you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, you play, and you have no responsibilities. In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap. Until finally. . .You finish off as an orgasm!

soulsearcher
03-02-2007, 02:17 PM
I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy. You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you are too young to work. So you get even younger---pretty soon you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, you play, and you have no responsibilities. In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap. Until finally. . .You finish off as an orgasm!

that would be sweet!

sirlespaul
03-02-2007, 04:23 PM
I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy. You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you are too young to work. So you get even younger---pretty soon you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, you play, and you have no responsibilities. In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap. Until finally. . .You finish off as an orgasm!

:lmao:

Ok people we have some good news. And we have some bad news.
The good news is there's no bad news
The bad news is there's no good news

Yes.2
03-02-2007, 07:48 PM
I got this in my email today, I get these kind of emails quite often.

FROM:MR. JAMES OMON (Director,Procurement).
NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC).
FALOMO OFFICE COMPLEX, IKOYI,
P.M.B 12701, LAGOS.

DEAR SIR,

I AM MR. JAMES OMON THE DIRECTOR AND THE CHAIRMAN CONTRACT VERIFICATION COMMITTEE,MINISTRY OF PETROLEUM. THIS COMMITTEE IS PRINCIPALLY CONCERNED WITH THE CONTRACTS AWARDED BY NNPC,FOR THE MAINTENANCE OF REFINARIES,UNDER THE MINISTRY OF PETROLEUM, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA. WITH OUR POSITIONS, WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY SECURED FOR OURSELVES THE SUM OF TWENTY-FOUR MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES

NATURE OF THE CONTRACTS:

1.RELACING OF THE OLD AND OUTDATED PIPE LINES WITH MODERN PIPES THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY

2.AXLE TURBINE FLOW .

3.TURN AROUND MAINTENANCE OF THE REFINARIES.

WHAT WE NEED FROM YOU IS TO PROVIDE A SAFE ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THE FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFERRED SINCE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE NOT ALLOWED BY OUR LAWS TO OPERATE FOREIGN ACCOUNT. IT BEHOOVES ON YOU TO SUGGEST THE PERCENTAGE YOU BE WILL BE GIVEN FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.All WE REQUIRE, IS YOUR HONEST COOPERATION TO ENABLE US SEE THIS DEAL THROUGH.
DOLLARS($24.5M).THIS AMOUNT WAS ACCUMULATED THROUGH OVER INFLATED INVOICE,FROM THE CONTRACT AWARDED BETWEEN JUNE, 2003 AND SEPTEMBER, 2006 FROM THE MINISTRY.
IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT TWO YEARSAGO A SIMILAR TRANSACTION WAS CARRIED OUT WITH ONE MR. PATRICE MILLER, THE PRESIDENT OF CRAINE INTERNATIONAL TRADING CORPORATION AT NUMBER 135, EAST 57TH STREET, 28TH FLOOR, NEW YORK. 10022 WITH TELEPHONE(212)308-7788 AND TELEX NUMBER 6731689, AFTER THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN BOTH PARTNERS IN WHICH HE WAS TO TAKE 35% OF $14M.THE MONEY WAS DULY TRANSFERRED INTO HIS ACCOUNT ONLY TO BE DISAPPOINTED ON OUR ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK AS WE WERE RELIABLY INFORMED THAT MR. PATRICE MILLER WAS NO LONGER ON THAT ADDRESS WHILE HIS TELEPHONE AND TELEX NUMBERS HAVE BEEN REALLOCATED TO SOMEBODY ELSE, THAT WAS HOW WE LOST THE WHOLE MONEY TO MR PATRICE MILLER .

THIS TIME AROUND WE NEED A MORE RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON OR A REPUTABLE COMPANY TO DO BUSINESS WITH HENCE THIS LETTER TO YOU.THIS PROJECT HAVE BEEN COMPLETED. AND COMMISSIONED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.ALL THE FOREIGN CONTRACTORS HAVE BEEN DULY PAID.THE $24.5M USD IS WAITING TO BE CLAIMED.WE WANT YOU TO CLAIM THE FUNDS.

I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.INDICATE YOUR INTEREST BY MAILING ME,INCLUDE YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS,YOUR FULL ADDRESS.SO THAT I CAN SEND TO YOU THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS TO BACK YOUR CLAIMS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR.JAMES OMON. (B.A (UNN) , M.sc. MNIM):
DIRECTOR, PROCUREMENT.

ToBeOver
03-03-2007, 07:03 AM
Signs

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
03-03-2007, 09:06 AM
Three Drunk Men <table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;" align="center">
</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"

</td></tr></tbody></table>

Jackaranda
03-04-2007, 01:18 PM
How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

ToBeOver
03-05-2007, 04:48 AM
Three Drunk Men <table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;" align="center">
</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td>These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"

</td></tr></tbody></table>

:dog: :dog: :dog:

You're so bad, Mike! ;)


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-05-2007, 04:51 AM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Upstate New York girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love those Upstate New York girls! :thumbs:

:keyboard:

True Believer
03-05-2007, 05:13 AM
Three Drunk Men <TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 id=jokeIframeTable2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px" align=middle>

</TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD>These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''
The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''
Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

:lmao:

True Believer
03-05-2007, 05:14 AM
How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Hey! I resent that .....

I prefer zucchini ....... ;)

Steve Mahoney
03-05-2007, 05:19 AM
Lucky Cucumber.


Steve

gunsfornuns
03-06-2007, 08:00 AM
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

soulsearcher
03-06-2007, 02:06 PM
Not Going To Try This Again

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

float_your_climb
03-06-2007, 11:33 PM
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, are sitting alone in the lobby
of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looks over and says to the old lady, "I know just what you
want, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking
chair."

The old lady looks surprised but doesn't say a word.

The old man continues, "For $10 I'll do it with you on the nice soft sofa
by the window, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your
life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of moments, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious." she says, "Four times in the rocker."

True Believer
03-06-2007, 11:49 PM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

ToBeOver
03-07-2007, 02:56 AM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


:dog:

I love Irish jokes! Thanks, Anne!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-07-2007, 02:57 AM
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, are sitting alone in the lobby
of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looks over and says to the old lady, "I know just what you
want, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking
chair."

The old lady looks surprised but doesn't say a word.

The old man continues, "For $10 I'll do it with you on the nice soft sofa
by the window, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your
life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of moments, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious." she says, "Four times in the rocker."


:dog: :dog: :dog:

You're killin' me here, Pam!


:keyboard:

fovman
03-07-2007, 03:07 AM
knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave's not here, man.

gunsfornuns
03-08-2007, 11:37 AM
Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

HarmonicKev
03-10-2007, 12:38 PM
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.

"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

Imperatrix
03-10-2007, 12:54 PM
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.

"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

:dog: :dog: :dog:

ToBeOver
03-12-2007, 04:11 PM
Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."



:keyboard:

umgekehrt
03-13-2007, 06:40 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wnl6NBTIJcI"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wnl6NBTIJcI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

gunsfornuns
03-14-2007, 07:43 AM
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas , scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

ToBeOver
03-14-2007, 03:03 PM
A lady woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in the bed beside her.

So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring forlornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail"?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."


:keyboard:

MrZuLu
03-14-2007, 03:34 PM
A lady woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in the bed beside her.

So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring forlornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail"?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."


:keyboard:
OH LORDY
:dog:

soulsearcher
03-14-2007, 04:15 PM
B-Day Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Sheerah
03-14-2007, 07:15 PM
I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and we slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot, good looking 18 year old.

Now we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, a king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18 year old beautiful girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment with no car, no money, and I would be sleeping on a sofa bed.

umgekehrt
03-16-2007, 01:16 AM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cnCvpJwKKpw"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cnCvpJwKKpw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

cinderella
03-16-2007, 01:58 AM
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, he said, "The minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I wanted to stay with you guys."

ToBeOver
03-17-2007, 02:19 AM
Q: How can you tell if a man is really well hung?

A: When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.



:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
03-17-2007, 06:32 AM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;"> </td><td style="height: 15px;">Who Runs the Human Body?</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td> In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

</td></tr></tbody></table>

ToBeOver
03-17-2007, 03:32 PM
<table class="bodyblue_v2" id="jokeIframeTable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="height: 15px;"> </td><td style="height: 15px;">Who Runs the Human Body?</td><td style="height: 15px;"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="3">http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</td></tr> <tr><td> </td><td> In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

</td></tr></tbody></table>

:dog:

Love it, Mike!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-17-2007, 03:36 PM
Tough Love vs. Spanking (a psychological conundrum)

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take my child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.









http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r78/tobeover333/ToughLove.jpg



:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
03-18-2007, 08:52 AM
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."