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Wild Westie
03-13-2006, 08:44 AM
This one is really, really bad...

A scientific study in Denmark shows that the recreational drug Ecstasy causes depression in laboratory pigs. The pigs on Ecstasy became extremely bummed out when they couldn't get any hot chicks to dance with them.

ToBeOver
03-13-2006, 05:33 PM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-14-2006, 11:07 AM
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough.

The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down."

Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down."

About five minutes later, little Billy came down.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-16-2006, 03:50 AM
What Men Need Most:

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

''I'm afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him apologetically, ''but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.''

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whir. Fifteen seconds later, the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ''Manicures - 25 cents.''
"Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, ''This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -- 50 cents.'' The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis... with a button perfectly sewn on top.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-16-2006, 02:14 PM
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.

One day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
03-16-2006, 04:32 PM
I Guess That's Fair

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

fredd
03-16-2006, 04:41 PM
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license,boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You tell me. You're the expert."

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 12:41 AM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.

<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Wash</st1:place></st1:State> your hair once with cucumber & sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

<st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Wash</st1:place></st1:State> your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 12:44 AM
MANURE: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's
invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but
the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is
methane gas.

Since the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what
could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in
this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After
that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship
High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport),
which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word (neither did
I).

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 12:56 AM
Ole vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut
off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and
vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da
finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.

"Lord-it's 2005! ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new!
vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

To vhich Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 12:57 AM
Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 01:23 AM
Haven't added this to photobucket yet. Please click:

new_sum_do_solve_ay
03-17-2006, 01:58 AM
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse
arrives one morning to find a nice
red apple on her desk with a tag tied
to it saying T.O.T.

Knowing that she had some not-so-nice
pranksters in her class, she cautiously
asked, "Can someone explain what
T.O.T. means?"
Mary in the front row raised her hand
to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a
bigger and prettier apple than the day
before. This time there is a tag with
T.O.T.W.L. written on it.

She asks for an explanation for this
note and little Johnny waves his hand
to explain that means "To Our Teacher
With Love."

The next morning she arrives to find a
great big watermelon sitting on her
desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her
jaw drops and she screams, "Who can
explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row
raises his hand and says, that means
"From Us Colored Kids!".....

ToBeOver
03-17-2006, 04:32 AM
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing... just looking around."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-18-2006, 05:01 AM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the "toys" I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow, I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew....

:keyboard:

Wild Westie
03-19-2006, 08:48 PM
Ouch to the above joke!


This is one my favorites. :D

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, "Change comes from within." With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.

ToBeOver
03-19-2006, 09:28 PM
HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window.

Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.


HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7-11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large Slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer.

Curses the night.

Curses you.

Curses the large Slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel;
he had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary.

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

:keyboard:

DJSalt
03-20-2006, 10:54 AM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by.

He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. Now there's a guy who did
everything right. Like my coming along right when you needed
a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every
single time."

Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds
over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank.

He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway
star, and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really
special."

Cabbie: "There's more.......

He had a mind like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could
fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some incredible guy"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always
seem to get stuck in them."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. And he'd never answer her back even if she
was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his freaking widow!"

Mostly Harmless
03-20-2006, 02:23 PM
HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window.

Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.


HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7-11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large Slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer.

Curses the night.

Curses you.

Curses the large Slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel;
he had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary.

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

:keyboard:


:dog:

Sooooooo true!

soulsearcher
03-20-2006, 03:22 PM
Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

True Believer
03-21-2006, 12:15 AM
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

True Believer
03-21-2006, 12:18 AM
> George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>
> He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to
> do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you,
> but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
> I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
> them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
> leaves."
>
> George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opens the
> door into the first room.
>
> In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He keeps sinking and
resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in Hell.
>
> "No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
> think I could do that all day long."
>
> The Devil leads him to the next room.
>
> In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large rocks. All Blair
> does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time, over and over, smashing rocks
and more rocks immediately appear to replace the ones he smashes.
>
> "No!” exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if I had to smash up rocks all day!"
>
> The Devil opens a third door.
>
> In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with his arms staked
> over his head and his legs spreadeagled out. Bent over Clinton is Monica Lewinsky,
busily doing what Monica does best. George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and
> finally says,
> "Yeah, okay, I can handle this."
>
> The Devil smiles and says gently...."Monica, you're free to go."

ToBeOver
03-21-2006, 03:40 AM
Medical terminology for blondes:

Anally - occurring yearly

Artery - study of paintings

Bacteria - back door of cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails

Benign - what you be after you be eight

Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U

Caesarian section - district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Colic - sheep dog

Coma - a punctuation mark

Condom - small apartment complex

Congenital - friendly

D+C - where Washington is

Diaphragm - drawing in geometry

Diarrhea - journal of daily events

Dilate - to live long

Enema - not a friend

Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set

Fester - quicker

Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"

Fibula - a small lie

Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins

G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game

Grippe - suitcase

Hangnail - coat hook

Impotent - distinguished, well known

Intense pain - torture in a teepee

Labor pain - got hurt at work

Medical staff - doctor's cane

Menopause - button on the VHS remote control

Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels

Morbid - higher offer

Node - was aware of

Outpatient - person who had fainted

Pap smear - fatherhood test

Pelvis - cousin of Elvis

Post operative - letter carrier

Protein - favoring young people

Rectum - damn near killed 'em

Recovery room - place to do upholstery

Rheumatic - amorous

Scar - rolled tobacco leaf

Scrotum - small planet near Uranus

Secretion - hiding anything

Seizure - Roman emperor

Serology - study of knighthood

Tablet - small table

Terminal illness - sickness at airport

Testicles - found on an octopus

Tibia - country in North Africa

Tumor - an extra pair

Umbilical cord - part of a parachute

Urine - opposite of you're out

Vagina - heart trouble

Varicose - located nearby

Vein - conceited

Vulva - automobile from Sweden

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-21-2006, 01:43 PM
20 Ways To Annoy People:

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. Practice making fax and modem noises.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-21-2006, 09:51 PM
20 More Ways To Annoy People:

1. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

2. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

3. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

4. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

5. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

6. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

7. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

9. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

10. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

13. Drum on every available surface.

14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

15. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

16. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

17. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

18. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

19. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

20. Set alarms for random times.

:keyboard:

podo
03-21-2006, 10:02 PM
20 Ways To Annoy People:

5. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
14. Name your dog "Dog."



hey, Ive done those 3 !

5. As part of an old job I used to set up and test fax and modem lines. I used to be able to whistle and make enough noises so the far end would handshake.

6. Not quite, but Ive been to parties where I have spat on a peice of cake so I didnt have to share it.. Ok, gross, but I was drunk at the time

7. I wanted to call our dog Dog, but was over ruled. I kept it up for a few weeks, but gave up in the end

podo
03-21-2006, 10:03 PM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the

hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved

on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl

digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are

putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only

to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably

looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Orbert
03-22-2006, 02:20 PM
7. I wanted to call our dog Dog, but was over ruled. I kept it up for a few weeks, but gave up in the end
My old college roommate and his brother had an apartment for a while with a cat named Dog. Dog would sometimes rear up on his hind legs so he could see better, then drop to all fours as he started walking. One time, he "forgot" to drop to all fours, and actually strolled across the room on his hind legs. He looked just like Snoopy walking that way, and it was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. We all looked at each other, totally amazed. We were smoking non-tobacco at the time, but that's all it was, and we all saw it, so I'm pretty sure it was real. Pretty sure.


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
I don't think the workers have to be blonde here. City workers get paid for doing a lot more stupid things than this.

True Believer
03-23-2006, 12:24 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT YOU RECOGNISE!!!!!

DJSalt
03-23-2006, 01:33 AM
Actually, that's kinda close on the washing part except I'm the one who's nutty about keeping the floor dry in my house, everybody else thinks the bathroom floor is supposed to have a 1" pool of water!

Sheeeesh.

As for the naked part,...... yup... luv bein' nekked.

Homeworld
03-23-2006, 07:17 AM
Thats almost 100% correct :P

The Whale
03-23-2006, 12:49 PM
If
http://www.itsablackthang.com/images/Art-Photo/anon-ella-fitzgerald.jpg
and had a kid
http://www.rumrill.net/brian/pics/pics5/pics5/DarthVader/darth_vader_closeup.jpg
their kid would be named....................













http://fusionanomaly.net/twilightzoneafterhours2.jpg

ToBeOver
03-23-2006, 12:58 PM
If
http://www.itsablackthang.com/images/Art-Photo/anon-ella-fitzgerald.jpg
and had a kid
http://www.rumrill.net/brian/pics/pics5/pics5/DarthVader/darth_vader_closeup.jpg
their kid would be named....................













http://fusionanomaly.net/twilightzoneafterhours2.jpg

:lmao:

Thanks for the laugh, Jeramie. ;)

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-23-2006, 01:02 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity; applications such as Poker Night, 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities
and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to
run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great
program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with
several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5
and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

:keyboard:

The Whale
03-23-2006, 01:32 PM
http://yesfans.com/forum/images/smilies/lmao.gif
ROFL!!!!

soulsearcher
03-23-2006, 09:54 PM
Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

ToBeOver
03-25-2006, 03:13 AM
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with your sunglasses on and point your hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it, "In Box."

5. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for smuggling diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face.

11. Whenever you go out to eat, specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I WON! I WON!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-26-2006, 11:00 AM
20 More Ways to Annoy People: :lmao:

1. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

2. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

3. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

4. Honk and wave to strangers.

5. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

6. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

7. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

8. Wear your pants backwards.

9. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

10. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

11. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

12. only type in lowercase.

13. dont use any punctuation either

14. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

15. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

16. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

17. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

18. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

19. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

20. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
03-28-2006, 11:18 AM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad, I became a
prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings
certificate for $5 million.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-14-2006, 04:11 PM
Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Maria, and I''m not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Momma

Altres
04-15-2006, 07:43 AM
http://i2.tinypic.com/vht43m.jpg

ToBeOver
04-15-2006, 08:55 PM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he
would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000
per call."

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000
you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in
Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone
with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct
line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and
New York.

In every church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per
call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Australia to see if
Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40
cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven but
in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered,

"You're in Australia now, son; it's a local call."

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
04-17-2006, 02:29 PM
7. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
marie, that is hilarious!

ToBeOver
04-17-2006, 07:49 PM
7. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
marie, that is hilarious!

Thanks, Denise! ;)

Even 20 More Ways to Annoy People:

1. Light road flares on their birthday cake.

2. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

3. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

4. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

5. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

6. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

7. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

8. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

10. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

11. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

12. Drive half a block.

13. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

14. Ask people what gender they are.

15. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

16. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

17. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

18. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

19. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

20. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
04-17-2006, 08:11 PM
where do you get these marie?
they are so awesome..
i love this one..4. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

do you make these up?

soulsearcher
04-17-2006, 08:43 PM
Pharmacist Phun

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Wild Westie
04-18-2006, 01:00 PM
A tiny desert owl in Arizona is set to be taken off the federal government's endangered species list, drawing praise from developers but protests from environmentalists. Vice President Dick Cheney is already on his way to Arizona with his shotgun, so expect the owl to go back on the endangered species list not long after it goes off of it.

Wild Westie
04-18-2006, 01:02 PM
Critics have charged that a $69.7 million compensation package and $98 million pension payout to Exxon Mobil Corp.'s former chief executive and chairman Lee R. Raymond is way too excessive. However, Raymond has countered that even with that much money, he can barely afford to fill his SUV with a tank of his company's gas.

Wild Westie
04-18-2006, 01:03 PM
Singer George Michael is being questioned by London authorities for allegedly smashing into three vehicles while trying to park his SUV. The worst part is he tore his really pretty red valet parking jacket that his boss is now making him pay for.

cinderella
04-18-2006, 01:30 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/Cinderella528/Goodies%203/bikini.jpg

soulsearcher
04-18-2006, 07:42 PM
Squeaky Clean

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

ToBeOver
04-19-2006, 10:45 AM
Even 20 More Ways To Annoy People:

1. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

2. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

3. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

4. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

5. Wear a LOT of cologne.

6. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

7. Sing along at the opera.

8. Mow your lawn with scissors.

9. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

10. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

12. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

13. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

14. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

15. Never make eye contact.

16. Never break eye contact.

17. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

18. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

19. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

20. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-19-2006, 10:47 AM
where do you get these marie?
they are so awesome..
i love this one..4. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

do you make these up?

I found some of them online, Denise and some I made up myself. ;)

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
04-19-2006, 11:58 AM
Even 20 More Ways To Annoy People:

1. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

2. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

3. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

4. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

5. Wear a LOT of cologne.

6. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

7. Sing along at the opera.

8. Mow your lawn with scissors.

9. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

10. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

12. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

13. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

14. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

15. Never make eye contact.

16. Never break eye contact.

17. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

18. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

19. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

20. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

:keyboard:


another great bunch!!
my fave is #6!!
i'm going to do that!

gunsfornuns
04-20-2006, 10:58 AM
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see.....where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

ToBeOver
04-21-2006, 03:41 AM
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the
negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her
husband, a retired Marine, and said:

Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and
responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; "Oh baby, I'm going to
suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

:keyboard:

yesfannh
04-21-2006, 11:29 AM
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
>>>>it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
>>>>which almost went
>>>>unnoticed last week.
>>>>
>>>>Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully
>>>>at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting
>>>>him into the
>>>>coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

ToBeOver
04-22-2006, 04:34 AM
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules:"

Rule #1 ~ Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2 ~ If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #3 ~ It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #4 ~ You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both.

Rule #5 ~ Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule #6 ~ Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule #7 ~ When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not necessary.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-22-2006, 04:38 AM
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell them I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, $300 is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Prisonbreak.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

:keyboard:

yesrolfer
04-23-2006, 07:14 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about
global warming, quantum physics, spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and decides to test the robot. He walks out
of the bar and walks back to order another drink. Again, the robot serves
him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR,
baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar deciding to give the robot
one more test. He leaves, returns, and orders another drink. The robot
serves the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says... very, very slowly "So.............. ya voted fer Bush

didn't ya?

ToBeOver
04-23-2006, 02:09 PM
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180.

Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

:keyboard:

fredd
04-24-2006, 03:00 PM
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.

The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question:
Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."


The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

ToBeOver
04-25-2006, 04:09 AM
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-26-2006, 03:26 AM
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in sh*t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with sh*t up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh*t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out, Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

:keyboard:

About The Round
04-26-2006, 09:47 AM
"Why is six afraid of seven?"

About The Round
04-26-2006, 09:47 AM
"Because VII-VIII-IX!"

ATR

gunsfornuns
04-26-2006, 03:28 PM
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well then who the hell is it?"

"That's me before the surgery."

ToBeOver
04-27-2006, 09:36 AM
One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?"

The wife nods.

The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it.

She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.

"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

:keyboard:

Martin Riley
04-27-2006, 09:47 AM
Two men are playing golf

The first asks the other for a light

His opponent takes out a Bic lighter, 12" high

"Good lord" says the first, "where did you get that"

"My genie gave me it" he says

"Do you think he'd give me a wish?"

"Sure, I have him here in my golf bag"

And out pops the genie

"Master I can grant you one wish only"

"OK" says the first golfer " I wish for a million bucks"

Suddenly the sky darkens as row upon row of ducks come flying across the heavens

"Is he deaf, didn't he hear me says bucks not ducks?"

"Of course he's deaf, you don't think I asked for a 12" Bic do you?"

soulsearcher
04-27-2006, 11:36 AM
Ultimate Rejection

Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?

A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

soulsearcher
04-27-2006, 11:58 AM
Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!

ToBeOver
04-28-2006, 01:30 AM
Ultimate Rejection

Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?

A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

:eeek:

:lmao:


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-28-2006, 01:33 AM
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in Heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into Heaven and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight.

God says, ''Welcome to Heaven, my son.''

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into Heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies.

''Welcome to Heaven, my son,'' God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was and the man replied that he worked for an HMO.

''Welcome to Heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''

:keyboard:

Orbert
04-28-2006, 12:46 PM
''Welcome to Heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''
Ha ha, yes!!

:lmao:

ToBeOver
04-28-2006, 02:19 PM
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'

"You put down, 'Neither do I.''

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-29-2006, 03:13 AM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port-of-call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-29-2006, 02:06 PM
Sex definitions explained:

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Wh*regasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with an ex-Vice President = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = There's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadourgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignoregasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible TV show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadourgasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
04-30-2006, 09:58 AM
The unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-01-2006, 02:55 AM
Rules For Men From Women:

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "B*tch" are bad.

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

14. Her cooking is excellent.

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

16. Dish soap is your friend.

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

27. Ditto for your discourse on football.

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. :thinking:

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a jerk until she does it for you.

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

39. Always, always suck up to her brother.

40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

43. Her haircut is never bad.

44. Don't let your friends pick on her.

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-02-2006, 12:48 PM
Things I've Learned From My Boys:

1.) A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke... and lots of it.

9) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this information on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

:keyboard:

Orbert
05-02-2006, 01:26 PM
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Hmmm, that gives me an idea...

ToBeOver
05-02-2006, 01:43 PM
Hmmm, that gives me an idea...

:lmao:

Don't even try it, Bob! :eeek:

:keyboard:

Mike Watkins
05-02-2006, 10:39 PM
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

- PJ O'Rourke

(amen to that)

ToBeOver
05-03-2006, 09:58 AM
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

- PJ O'Rourke

(amen to that)

There is a political jokes forum, Mike if you want to post more political jokes.


To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times.

The following list is why I didn't often succeed.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack
in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move!

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did:

1. Came home drunk and tried to f*ck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught "Herman" in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . . 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . . 16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you were f*cking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-08-2006, 01:46 PM
4 Kinds of Sex:

HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house
in every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex
in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just
pass each other in the hall and say, "F*CK YOU!"

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer f*ck you in divorce court
in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-08-2006, 02:01 PM
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,"Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic?"

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Sh*tsu would you get Bullsh*t?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-09-2006, 03:08 PM
What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?

Morehead State, Ball State University, Brigham Young University, and Oral Roberts University.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-09-2006, 03:09 PM
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-10-2006, 10:53 AM
Bill Gates is hanging out with the Chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

:keyboard:

fredd
05-10-2006, 03:26 PM
Here's a thought!



The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it?
A death.
What's that,
a bonus?

I think the life cycle
is all backwards.

(1)
You should die first,
you know, start out dead,
get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home,
feeling better every day.

(2)
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
then, when you start work,
you get a gold watch
on your first day.

(3)
You work 40 years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol,
you party,
you're generally promiscuous
(hey, you've only got
a few years left,
what's the big deal?!?)
and you get ready
for High School.

(4)
Then you go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play,
you have no responsibilities,
and, finally,
you become a baby;

(5)
The last step,
you spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully
with luxuries like
central heating,
spa,
room service on tap,
larger quarters everyday,
and then

You finish off as an orgasm!

float_your_climb
05-10-2006, 09:02 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "hi buddy....you know...we've got a drink named after you..."

The grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Steve?"

float_your_climb
05-10-2006, 09:05 PM
A blond goes to the doctor's office because she thinks she's pregnant...

The blood tests are positive...she's pregnant...and the doctor tells her so...

Then she asks the doctor, "is it mine?"

ToBeOver
05-11-2006, 12:51 AM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his
order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a
pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there
just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three
pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running
boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for
a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for,
Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for
the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas
up."

:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
05-14-2006, 10:53 AM
This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon
to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger
and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming
madly, 'You lied!´"

float_your_climb
05-15-2006, 05:09 AM
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Orbert
05-15-2006, 10:39 PM
She said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Ha ha, I love it!

When I was teaching, I used to refer to my students as "my kids". It's natural, I guess. One time at a party, I was talking about something one of my "kids" did, and some of the other kids' reactions and such, and someone asked "How many kids do you have?!" I guess it would sound pretty strange, since not everyone there knew my profession.

At a workshop during my second or third year, one of the speakers made of point referring to them as our "students", not our "kids". Most high schoolers start getting touchy about being called "kids", but they are students, and it emphasizes the teacher-student dynamic rather than a parent-kid relationship. Plus it avoids confusing situations such as the above.

gunsfornuns
05-17-2006, 10:48 AM
A South Carolina couple, both certified rednecks had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what had finally led them to make that decision? Why after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't
want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

gunsfornuns
05-17-2006, 06:14 PM
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See. You're smiling already.

gunsfornuns
05-17-2006, 06:17 PM
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=9314776504&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

gunsfornuns
05-18-2006, 07:11 PM
It's old, but still funny...

Going over Ralph's records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment
income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph, "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked.

"I don't think so."

"Look, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk
and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a
drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but he thought there's no
way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win!

But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly
shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The attorney replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me
twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about
it!"

ToBeOver
05-25-2006, 01:46 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg&eurl

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-25-2006, 01:52 AM
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?





It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
05-26-2006, 12:15 AM
A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "hi buddy....you know...we've got a drink named after you..."

The grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Steve?"

funny pam!!!

ToBeOver
05-28-2006, 01:25 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-28-2006, 01:31 PM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in, so he ran even faster, crying in fear.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw..... brought both paws together ...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
05-30-2006, 02:16 PM
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.

Before the game began a Secret Service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The Secret Service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."

:keyboard:

soulsearcher
05-30-2006, 04:10 PM
Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

Trooper Jim
05-30-2006, 10:59 PM
Two Chinese boys are moving to Belfast with their father, who is opening a new chinese take-away there. Just before they leave Hong-Kong, an uncle gives each of the boys a cheque for $100, as a going away gift.
The boys arrive in Belfast and are eager to spend their money on new jeans, CD's or whatever. The first lad goes into a bank in the city centre and has no problem cashing his $100 cheque in exchange for 50 pounds. The second lad goes into the same bank two days later and hands his $100 cheque over the counter. The cashier examines the cheque and then hands 45 pounds to the boy. Looking a bit surprised, the boy says, "but my brother cashed a cheque for $100 a couple of days ago and got 50 pounds. Why do I only get 45? The cashier looks across the counter and smiles sympathetically. "I'm sorry son, but that's what your cheque is worth right now. Exchange rates can go up or down from day to day, you see. That's just the way it is - FLUCTUATIONS. The young man looks angry and replies, "Well, FLUCK YOU TOO, you Irish b*@*!!d (b*@*!!d)! I want my 50 pound!

yesyadda
05-31-2006, 02:44 AM
I'm at the grocery store, in the ethnic foods section. Here's this Jewish chewing gum- so I read the label... "Won't shtick to most dental work."

Trooper Jim
06-01-2006, 04:13 PM
The two Chinese brothers from my previous joke (???) have now grown up and are seeking their first job. Passing a new shopping mall under construction in Belfast, they decide to ask the foreman if there is any chance of work. He looks at the two young men and says."Hmmm....looking for your first job, lads, eh? I'll tell you what - I do have a couple of vacancies coming up; one is for a site surveyor, the other is for a guy to work in the site store and take care of supplies. if you both got good grades at school, I think youi could be in business." After assurring the foreman that they did indeed do very well at school, they are offered the jobs, starting the following week.

Monday morning, and the first young man arrives in the site surveyor's office, eager to start. But there is no sign of his brother anywhere on the site. On the second day, the same thing happens....no sign of the other young man. And so it goes for the rest of the week, with the first brother working diliginltly in the surveyor's office, but no sign of the second one.

Friday afternoon arrives, and the foreman, though very pleased with the first young man's progress in the surveyor's office, has by now decided that he will have to get somebody else to take care of the site supplies. Everyone is clocking off for the weekend and the last few guys are walking past the store huts when suddenly, the door to one of the huts is flung open and out jumps the other young man, with a shout of "SUPLISE!"

Trooper Jim
06-01-2006, 05:03 PM
I'm on a roll here!

Trapper John decides to head off for the woods to do a bit of hunting. Almost as soon as he arrives, he spots a small brown bear, which he promptly shoots. Moments later, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there standing behind him is a bigger bear. "That's my brother you just shot" says the bear. "But I tell you what - I'll give you a choice; either you agree to have sex with me, or I'll maul you to death. Trapper John thinks quickly and realises that anything is better than being mauled by a bear. So he does the only sensible thing and bends over......

A few days later, once he has recovered from his ordeal, John returns to the woods to seek revenge. He soon spots the bear that....well, you know what it did to him....and promptly shoots it. Again, he feels a tap on the shoulder. This time, it's an even bigger bear - a huge grizzly - and it gives him the same ultimatum as the last bear; sex or get mauled to death. Again, Trapper John decides that anything is preferable to death and does the only thing he can......

This time, it takes him several weeks to recover from his ordeal. But eventually he does and, indignant with rage, he sets off for the woods once more, to find the bear that subjected him to such an outrageous ordeal. He soon spots it and shoots it. Once again, he feels the tap on the shoulder. This time it is an absolutely enormous grizzly black bear. Standing there with arms folded, it smiles and says, "John, lets face it - you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

Trooper Jim
06-01-2006, 06:09 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Trooper Jim
06-01-2006, 09:12 PM
What is the one guaranteed way to get a blonde to laugh on a Monday morning?

Tell her a joke on Friday afternoon.

Trooper Jim
06-02-2006, 12:29 AM
When i originally heard this joke, I must admit that I didn't get it because at the time, I did not know what an "Oedipus complex" is - when a young boy feels an excessive emotional attachment to his mother.

Anyhow, two women friends meet in the street and stop to have a chat. One woman says to the other, "How is little Johnny coming on?" The other woman replies, "Well, a few months ago I was a little bit worried about his behaviour, and had to take him along to the doctor. "Oh?" "Yes indeed, and the doctor referred Johnny to a child psychologist. Apparently, he has an Oedipus complex." The first woman said nothing for a few moments, and then replied, "Well, Oedipus or Shmoedipus, I wouldn/t worry so long as he's a good boy and loves his mama."

ToBeOver
06-02-2006, 12:55 AM
I'm on a roll here!

Trapper John decides to head off for the woods to do a bit of hunting. Almost as soon as he arrives, he spots a small brown bear, which he promptly shoots. Moments later, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there standing behind him is a bigger bear. "That's my brother you just shot" says the bear. "But I tell you what - I'll give you a choice; either you agree to have sex with me, or I'll maul you to death. Trapper John thinks quickly and realises that anything is better than being mauled by a bear. So he does the only sensible thing and bends over......

A few days later, once he has recovered from his ordeal, John returns to the woods to seek revenge. He soon spots the bear that....well, you know what it did to him....and promptly shoots it. Again, he feels a tap on the shoulder. This time, it's an even bigger bear - a huge grizzly - and it gives him the same ultimatum as the last bear; sex or get mauled to death. Again, Trapper John decides that anything is preferable to death and does the only thing he can......

This time, it takes him several weeks to recover from his ordeal. But eventually he does and, indignant with rage, he sets off for the woods once more, to find the bear that subjected him to such an outrageous ordeal. He soon spots it and shoots it. Once again, he feels the tap on the shoulder. This time it is an absolutely enormous grizzly black bear. Standing there with arms folded, it smiles and says, "John, lets face it - you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

:lmao:

Thanks, Jim!

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."


:keyboard:

yesfannh
06-02-2006, 02:39 PM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = U5 /><U5:P></U5:P><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.<U5:P></U5:P><o:p></o:p>

Trooper Jim
06-02-2006, 09:12 PM
Heh! heh! I love it, Yesfannh! Every word absolutely true, as I'm sure everyone else can agree!

As a die-hard veteran of Windows 98, though, there is nothing that it can throw at me to cause me concern. Even the dreaded "blue screen of death" holds no terror for me.

So he said, foolishly, the night before his computer died......

gunsfornuns
06-03-2006, 07:23 AM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

ToBeOver
06-05-2006, 03:39 AM
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
06-05-2006, 05:03 AM
What do you call a wolf who can take down a deer from either flank?

Bambidextrous

ToBeOver
06-06-2006, 01:26 PM
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
06-06-2006, 02:39 PM
The following are all replies that Dallas, TX, women have written on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's
details." Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It
takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you
send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

And, finally, my favorite!!

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart.

Trooper Jim
06-06-2006, 05:39 PM
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

:keyboard:

Heh! heh!

Trooper Jim
06-06-2006, 06:28 PM
Two farm boys are working out in the fields one day. Although both are are fine, strapping lads, they are very naive about girls because they have always worked on the farm, with little chance to socialise.

A very attractive and precocious blonde hitch-hiker is walking along the road, heavily laden with her rucksack and beginning to feel tired. Spotting the two boys, she shouts "Hey guys, any chance of somewhere to sleep tonight? Anywhere'll do fine." The boys look at each other, not sure what to say. Then one of them pipes up,"Sure, I don't think our dad would mind if you slept in the loft in the barn. It's warm and dry, and I'm sure mom would make you some supper." So the blonde hops over the fence, showing a fine pair of sun-tanned legs as she does. The boys are speechless.

Later that night, when the blonde has had her supper and settled down in the barn, the two boys look in to see if she is OK (you know where this is going, don't you?). She looks down from the loft and says, "Why don't you two boys come up and keep me company?" Again, the inexperienced lads are stumped for words, but finally one says, "Sure, we won't be missed in the house." So they join the blonde in the loft and soon one thing leads to another, with all of them rolling around naked in the hay and having a good time. The blonde then says to them "OK, I haven't had a man for ages and want you boys to make love to me." Reaching into her rucksack, she produces a pack of condoms and hands one each to the boys. They look at each other, not knowing what to do with the item they have just been given. So the hitch-hiker, realising their naivity, gives both of them a quick lesson in contraception, explaining that if they don't wear these things, she may get pregnant. The boys are quick to learn, and suffice to say that a great night is had by all, with the blonde hitch-hiker setting off once more on her travels the next morning.

A few days later, the boys are back in the fields working. One of them says to the other, "Hey, we had a great time with that blonde, didn't we?" "We sure did", says the other one, "but do you really care if she gets pregnant or not?"

"Nah, do not."

"Neither do I. Come on, lets take these things off."

ToBeOver
06-07-2006, 02:08 AM
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate.

Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
06-07-2006, 05:38 AM
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."

soulsearcher
06-07-2006, 01:55 PM
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$65,000."MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

ToBeOver
06-08-2006, 10:30 AM
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

:keyboard:

Hacman
06-08-2006, 01:44 PM
I forget where I saw this, here are George Carlin's new rules:

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbuck's order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbuck's and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place.

ToBeOver
06-09-2006, 02:18 AM
I forget where I saw this, here are George Carlin's new rules:

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbuck's order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbuck's and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place.

I absolutely adore George Carlin! Now, I'll have to post some funny quotes of his... ;)

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
06-09-2006, 02:23 AM
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? "
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that sh*t?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

:keyboard:

ToBeOver
06-13-2006, 02:20 PM
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset."


:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
06-15-2006, 05:28 AM
Every year, teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (I think the kid here was messing with teacher’s head)

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

yesfannh
06-15-2006, 12:01 PM
A LITTLE FLAB
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of
your control-top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of
your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his "winkie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if
you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool man, and your brother." *<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

fredd
06-18-2006, 07:38 AM
Two tourists were driving through Illinois. As they were approaching Moweaqua, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

ToBeOver
06-18-2006, 10:45 AM
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats. ;)

:keyboard:

cinderella
06-20-2006, 04:01 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/Cinderella528/Goodies%203/coffeemachine.jpg

soulsearcher
06-21-2006, 12:00 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/Cinderella528/Goodies%203/coffeemachine.jpg


:dog:

Yes2Yes
06-24-2006, 12:58 PM
I thought this joke was very funny:

Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

Yes2Yes
06-24-2006, 01:03 PM
Camoflauge Clothing

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

ToBeOver
06-29-2006, 01:49 AM
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals.

The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves, he says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat, but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
06-30-2006, 12:00 PM
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.


He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.


Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:


1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
07-01-2006, 07:06 AM
Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Imperatrix
07-01-2006, 07:13 AM
A man passed a store window with nothing in it but a clock, stepped inside and asked, "How long would it take to fix my watch?"

"How should I know?" shrugged the baleboss. "I don't fix watches. I'm a mohel."

"But -- in your window -- you have a clock!"

The mohel rolled his eyes. "So what would *you* put in the window?"

Imperatrix
07-01-2006, 07:18 AM
[QUOTE=gunsfornuns]

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (I think the kid here was messing with teacher’s head)

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.[QUOTE]


:dog:

gunsfornuns
07-01-2006, 08:04 AM
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

neilius
07-04-2006, 06:08 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/focus.html

Yes.2
07-05-2006, 04:36 AM
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."


Awesome!

Yes.2
07-05-2006, 04:40 AM
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.


He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.


Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:


1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


:keyboard:

Damn! That's phuqing funny! Awesome. I like this thread!

Yes.2
07-05-2006, 04:41 AM
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals.

The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves, he says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat, but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”


:keyboard:

OMG! LMAO!!!!

gunsfornuns
07-05-2006, 06:53 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Joe
07-05-2006, 07:23 AM
Margarets been off for 5 dayz so far!

:eeek: "HELP ME"! :eeek:

plodder
07-05-2006, 08:29 AM
A reporter asked Paul McCartney if he would ever go down on one knee again.

The ex-Beatle replied "I wish you'd just call her Heather"

Martin Riley
07-07-2006, 09:36 AM
Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback
Mountain"...



1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"



2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"



3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."



4. "Howdy, pardner."



5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."



6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."



7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."



8. "Let's mount up!"



9. "Nice spread ya got there!"



10. "Ride'em cowboy!"



11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Yes.2
07-07-2006, 03:54 PM
A reporter asked Paul McCartney if he would ever go down on one knee again.

The ex-Beatle replied "I wish you'd just call her Heather"


Oooo, Low blow! But real funny! :lmao:

Yes.2
07-07-2006, 04:02 PM
http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/breakhellglass.jpg

Yes2Yes
07-08-2006, 08:32 AM
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

DJSalt
07-09-2006, 09:28 PM
Management Lesson:

Little Johnny grows up and gets an office job.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.. The girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, " I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200. Then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

DJSalt
07-09-2006, 10:12 PM
http://www.breitbart.com/images/2006/7/7/D8IN0PN00/D8IN0PN00_preview.jpg

Korean Missile or new Rush Limbaugh Logo?

yesfannh
07-10-2006, 12:21 PM
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the waiter brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what . . ., we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the > hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

ToBeOver
07-12-2006, 09:38 AM
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub it will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid.... :eeek:


:keyboard:

Martin Riley
07-12-2006, 09:43 AM
FEMALE COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you
ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

Yes.2
07-12-2006, 01:47 PM
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Yes.2
07-12-2006, 01:51 PM
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!

Yes.2
07-12-2006, 01:54 PM
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.

Yes.2
07-12-2006, 02:13 PM
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

BlankReg
07-12-2006, 03:34 PM
Q. What do you get when you play country music backwards?
A. Your get your girlfriend back, you get your job back, you get your truck back...

Orbert
07-12-2006, 03:47 PM
Let's see if this works. A 21st century robot, AI, and (kinda) Moog-related comic:

http://files.upl.silentwhisper.net/upload3/MoogComic.png

Orbert
07-12-2006, 03:49 PM
This one's just kinda weird, but I found it funny for some reason. A couple of pictures I've seen on the Internet a lot, spliced together:

http://files.upl.silentwhisper.net/upload4/agents.jpg

soulsearcher
07-12-2006, 03:52 PM
Q. What do you get when you play country music backwards?
A. Your get your girlfriend back, you get your job back, you get your truck back...

denise's//(not me) dauther doesn't get it.

DJSalt
07-12-2006, 04:26 PM
clearly Denise's daughter doesn't listen to country music lyrics too often.

Yes.2
07-12-2006, 04:26 PM
This one's just kinda weird, but I found it funny for some reason. A couple of pictures I've seen on the Internet a lot, spliced together:

http://files.upl.silentwhisper.net/upload4/agents.jpg

Carefull! Roans_Lady will probably jump down your throat for posting this picture! She'll probably call you insensitive!

I think this picture's pretty funny!

CathieG
07-12-2006, 05:27 PM
Here's a good one fer 'ya:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said.........

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


I already sent this into Planet Rock, not that Wakeman will read it on the air, he never does......

Orbert
07-12-2006, 05:34 PM
Carefull! Roans_Lady will probably jump down your throat for posting this picture! She'll probably call you insensitive!
Why? The kid appears to be winning!

gunsfornuns
07-12-2006, 06:35 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."


That's when the proctologist fainted.

yesrolfer
07-12-2006, 06:36 PM
Would a mod please move this to "THe PMS Thread?

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section



5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface



9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome



11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff


13. Potential Murder Suspect

somissound
07-12-2006, 07:15 PM
A drummer told me I need to drink more apple juice.....

I asked why.

He told me O.J. could kill you.....

ToBeOver
07-21-2006, 03:04 AM
This is by request that I repost this.... for Don.... again! :lmao:

Let's see if it sticks this time....

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting
to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"


:keyboard:

Original_Shifty
07-21-2006, 08:10 AM
My joke of the day...........


Hackers are wonderful members of society.

BlankReg
07-21-2006, 08:20 AM
I don't know if this counts as a joke, but I thought this was funny: On the Guest Book Tim had up while our beloved YesFans was in hacker hell, someone mentioned the Bee Gees and Andy Gibb. Google Ads picked up on this and placed Bee Gees-related ads at the top of the page. Gave me a giggle...
http://images1.fotki.com/v334/photos/7/778489/3682494/YesFans-vi.jpg

yesfannh
07-21-2006, 09:51 AM
What, you don't like the Bee Gees?..............LOL

BlankReg
07-21-2006, 10:24 AM
Abu al-Zarqawi died.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

soulsearcher
07-21-2006, 02:52 PM
Abu al-Zarqawi died.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"


funny!

soulsearcher
07-21-2006, 08:30 PM
Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

CathieG
07-21-2006, 10:51 PM
HE said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

SHE said: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while sit on the sofa and scratch myself.
----------------------------------------------------

Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," says Jack as he steps out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money!" she replied.

Yes2Yes
07-22-2006, 07:12 AM
Just A Juggalo

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

Yes2Yes
07-22-2006, 07:15 AM
A Helpful Man

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

ToBeOver
07-22-2006, 10:38 AM
Sometimes a more discreet euphemism for "being on your period" is preferable, such as...

Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

Trolling for Vampires

A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

Saddling Old Rusty

Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

Clean-Up in Aisle One

Massacre at the Y

T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

Game Day for the Crimson Tide

Panty Shields Up, Captain!

Taking Carrie to the Prom

Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Aunt Floe is visiting


:keyboard:

Yes2Yes
07-23-2006, 02:39 PM
Where's Da Money?

This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself.

It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, “where's da money?”

The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector's ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked.

The collector signed back, “It's in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”

The interpreter tells the thugs, “He said he still doesn't know what your talking about and you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!”

soulsearcher
07-23-2006, 03:20 PM
HE said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

SHE said: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while sit on the sofa and scratch myself.
----------------------------------------------------

Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," says Jack as he steps out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money!" she replied.


very funny cathie!!

podo
07-23-2006, 11:17 PM
He is one I stole from todays newspaper

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

podo
07-23-2006, 11:22 PM
An Aussie farmer is having a chin wag with an American farmer.

The Yank says " My farm is so big, I can drive for four hours before coming to a fence.

The Aussie says " On my farm I can drive for a whole day without coming to a fence"

The Yank says, "God, you must have a big farm"

The Aussie says, "Nah, just got no fences"

Yes.2
07-24-2006, 12:35 AM
Abu al-Zarqawi died.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"


That's delicious!!!

soulsearcher
07-24-2006, 01:32 PM
Two fraternity brothers...

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

gunsfornuns
07-24-2006, 01:33 PM
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:



** Beating around the bush
** Jumping to conclusions
** Climbing the walls
** Swallowing my pride
** Passing the buck
** Throwing my weight around
** Dragging my heels
** Pushing my luck
** Making mountains out of molehills
** Hitting the nail on the head
** Wading through paperwork
** Bending over backwards
** Jumping on the bandwagon
** Balancing the books
** Running around in circles
** Eating crow
** Tooting my own horn
** Climbing the ladder of success
** Pulling out the stops
** Adding fuel to the fire
** Opening a can of worms
** Putting my foot in my mouth
** Starting the ball rolling
** Going over the edge
** Picking up the pieces.

Whew--I'm tired! How about you?

soulsearcher
07-24-2006, 01:40 PM
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:



** Beating around the bush
** Jumping to conclusions
** Climbing the walls
** Swallowing my pride
** Passing the buck
** Throwing my weight around
** Dragging my heels
** Pushing my luck
** Making mountains out of molehills
** Hitting the nail on the head
** Wading through paperwork
** Bending over backwards
** Jumping on the bandwagon
** Balancing the books
** Running around in circles
** Eating crow
** Tooting my own horn
** Climbing the ladder of success
** Pulling out the stops
** Adding fuel to the fire
** Opening a can of worms
** Putting my foot in my mouth
** Starting the ball rolling
** Going over the edge
** Picking up the pieces.

Whew--I'm tired! How about you?

WOW~
i have been excersising all this time and didn't even know it!

ToBeOver
07-25-2006, 12:03 PM
A lady bought a new Lexus.

Two days later, she took it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it that you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again."

The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a terrible collision.

"Asshole!" she muttered. And, from the radio.........."Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States...."


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
07-26-2006, 03:46 AM
Ugh.... I got these today through e-mail! :pat:


One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.

Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?

Ben: Like what?

Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.

Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.

Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.

Luke goes off to have his drink.

Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.

Owen: Hey, Ben, have you seen Luke today?

Ben: Yes. He's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."

:keyboard:

Scooty
07-26-2006, 04:00 AM
Ugh.... I got these today through e-mail! :pat:


One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.

Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?

Ben: Like what?

Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.

Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.

Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.

Luke goes off to have his drink.

Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.

Owen: Hey, Ben, have you seen Luke today?

Ben: Yes. He's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."

:keyboard:


:banghead: That's just bad...:lmao:

Hey how about some of those jokes from that book I was reading to you..LOL!!

Eagle
07-26-2006, 12:26 PM
A lady bought a new Lexus.

Two days later, she took it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it that you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again."

The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a terrible collision.

"Asshole!" she muttered. And, from the radio.........."Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States...."


:keyboard:
thats not that funny. its way too long for just another president bashing joke. those are so cliche. how about changing it to someone else, who doesnt have 10,000 jokes about him already? how about eminem? or jesse jackson? a side note; the cleverest people never repost the same joke, but change it just a bit, either for more laughter value, or for extra inside jokes, etc...

Eagle
07-26-2006, 12:27 PM
A lady bought a new Lexus.

Two days later, she took it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it that you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again."

The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a terrible collision.

"Asshole!" she muttered. And, from the radio.........."Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States...."


:keyboard:
thats not that funny. its way too long for just another president bashing joke. those are so cliche. how about changing it to someone else, who doesnt have 10,000 jokes about him already? how about eminem? or jesse jackson? a side note; the cleverest people never repost the same joke, but change it just a bit, either for more laughter value, or for extra inside jokes, etc... just saying. ive been reading this thread dilligently for the past couple years, and i have to say, most of the time you guys are hilarious. keep it up.

love one another,
Justin

Yes.2
07-26-2006, 04:01 PM
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is
beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun
worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat?

At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking
longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like
this.

July 20th:

I missed my cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.

The car now smells like Kibbles and ----s.

I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!

And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I
can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.

My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on
the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried
ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do ---- for 2 damn
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so
my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you
today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

ToBeOver
07-26-2006, 06:50 PM
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

(Hope this isn't a repost... I don't have the luxury of time to be going back in the thread to see if it is).

:keyboard:

BlankReg
07-27-2006, 08:55 AM
JIM AND EDNA
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

BlankReg
07-27-2006, 09:00 AM
Never accuse me of being politically correct!
_____________________________________

West Virginia State Residency Application


Last Name: _________________________

First Name:
____ Billy-Bob
____ Billy-Joe
____ Billy-Ray
____ Billy-Sue
____ Billy-Mae
____ Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M ____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
____ Farmer
____ Mechanic
____ Hair Dresser
____ Un-employed
____ Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
____ Sister
____ Brother
____ Aunt
____ Uncle
____ Cousin
____ Mother
____ Father
____ Son
____ Daughter
____ Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (__)own or (___)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles:
____ Total number of vehicles you own
____ Number of vehicles that still crank
____ Number of vehicles in front yard
____ Number of vehicles in back yard
____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
____ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
____ The National Enquirer
____ The Globe
____ TV Guide
____ Soap Opera Digest
____ Gun World

____ Number of times you've seen a UFO

____ Number of times you've seen Elvis

____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
____ Weekly
____ Monthly
____ Holidays
____ Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
____ Yellow
____ Brownish-Yellow
____ Brown
____ Black
____ No teeth
____ N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
____ Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
____ 1 mile
____ 2 miles
____ don't know
____ can't get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
____ can't bear to leave brother's behind
____ daddy won't give me my pants back
____ liberal wife beating laws

Bumper Stickers:
____ Eat more Possum
____ My other car is a piece of ---- too
____ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't ----
____ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
____ Wave if you're horny

Favorite Recreation:
____ Square Dancin'
____ Possum Huntin'
____ Skinny Dippin'
____ Craw Daddin'
____ 4-Wheelin'
____ Drankin'
____ Spittin' Backy
____ Bill Chip Trowin'
____ Honky Tonkin'
____ Noodlin'
____ Other

Number of Dogs: ____

Type:
____ Blue Tick
____ Beagle
____ Black & Tan
____ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:
____ John Deere
____ McCulloch Chain Saws
____ Budweiser
____ Vo-Tech
____ Skoal
____ Coors
____ NAPA
____ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
____ KKK
____ NRA
____ Moose
____ AA
____ Bass Club
____ Quiltin' Bee
____ American Legion
____ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
____ John Birch Society
Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:
____ B.O.
____ Crabs
____ Head Lice
____ Rabies
____ Trench Mouth
____ Runny Nose
____ Bad Breath
____ Chafing

gunsfornuns
07-27-2006, 10:09 AM
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz
and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled
his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their Wives, 50 cents."

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with
some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to
withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end!

soulsearcher
07-27-2006, 04:13 PM
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

(Hope this isn't a repost... I don't have the luxury of time to be going back in the thread to see if it is).

:keyboard:

i love this one!!
it is too bad when i am out with my friends i can't remember any of these jokes!!!!

mmmYes
07-27-2006, 08:11 PM
Letterman's

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Beauty Pageant


10. It's broadcast on the Animal Planet network
9. Entrants must be over 70
8. Miss France gets ejected for violently head-butting Miss Italy
7. Instead of sash, Miss Iran is wearing an ammo vest
6. Contestants are judged in three categories: evening gown, interview, and competitive meatball-eating
5. Described as an "inner beauty" pageant
4. It's hosted by the decomposed remains of Bert Parks
3. Winner's platform: Spreading the message of Scientology
2. Contestants must have slept with Christie Brinkley's husband
1. Competitions highlighted by shootout between Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon

Wild Westie
07-27-2006, 08:36 PM
thats not that funny. its way too long for just another president bashing joke. those are so cliche. how about changing it to someone else, who doesnt have 10,000 jokes about him already? how about eminem? or jesse jackson? a side note; the cleverest people never repost the same joke, but change it just a bit, either for more laughter value, or for extra inside jokes, etc... just saying. ive been reading this thread dilligently for the past couple years, and i have to say, most of the time you guys are hilarious. keep it up.

love one another,
Justin

Your reply is so inappropriate. It's a joke thread for gawd's sake!

ToBeOver
07-27-2006, 08:44 PM
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"


:keyboard:

yesfannh
07-28-2006, 09:37 AM
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike runningshoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happenes. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. As promised.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you can catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised.<o:p></o:p>
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. if i catch you, you're mine...."

soulsearcher
07-28-2006, 09:55 AM
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike runningshoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happenes. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. As promised.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you can catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised.<o:p></o:p>
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. if i catch you, you're mine...."


that is hilarious!

BlankReg
07-28-2006, 10:19 AM
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
A Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike runningshoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happenes. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. As promised.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you can catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised.<o:p></o:p>
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. if i catch you, you're mine...."

:dog:

ToBeOver
07-29-2006, 02:27 AM
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''

The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
---------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off.

As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.

Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen to what it was she was listening to and the voice said: "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."


:keyboard:

Yes.2
07-30-2006, 10:01 PM
YOU KNOW YOU'RE EXPERIANCING GLOBAL WARMING IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! .

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.

Yes.2
07-31-2006, 12:11 AM
ttp://www.top-greetings.com/news/6/02/carsj30.jpgttp://www.top-greetings.com/news/6/02/carsj30.jpg "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

ToBeOver
07-31-2006, 02:41 AM
You May Be A Redneck If.....

1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War General.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You've ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree doesn't fork.

14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.

18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture.

21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

25. You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."

27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

30. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Sh!thead?"

32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...they're a redneck too!)

35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

38. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

39. You've been too drunk to fish.

40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right.'

44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

45. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

46. You've ever financed a tattoo.

47. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

48. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


:keyboard:

Sheerah
07-31-2006, 02:04 PM
A guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a Chihuahua sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Chihuahua looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help fight crime. I contacted the FBI, and in no time at all, they had me jetting around the country, sitting in rooms with Mobsters and assorted criminal types, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years running. But the travel really tired me out, and I wanted to settle down. I was transferred to the shipping docks to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered a number of smuggling rings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

soulsearcher
07-31-2006, 02:11 PM
A guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a Chihuahua sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Chihuahua looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help fight crime. I contacted the FBI, and in no time at all, they had me jetting around the country, sitting in rooms with Mobsters and assorted criminal types, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years running. But the travel really tired me out, and I wanted to settle down. I was transferred to the shipping docks to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered a number of smuggling rings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


funny she!!!

ToBeOver
08-01-2006, 03:35 AM
You May Be A Redneck, continued:

51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

55. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

56. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

57. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

58. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

59. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

60. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

61. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

62. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

63. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there.

64. Redman sends you a Christmas card.

65. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

66. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

67. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

68. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

69. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

70. You call your boss "Buddy," on a regular basis.

71. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

72. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

73. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

74. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

75. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

76. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

77. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

78. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

79. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

80. You mow your lawn and find a car.

81. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

82. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

83. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

84. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

85. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

86. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."

87. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

88. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

89. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

90. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."

91. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

92. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your Senior year."

93. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

94. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

95. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

96. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

97. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

98. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

99. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

100. When you leave your house, you are followed by Federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.


:keyboard:

ToBeOver
08-02-2006, 01:13 PM
You May Be A Redneck, continued....

101. You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

102. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

103. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

104. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

105. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

106. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

108. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

109. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

110. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

111. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

112. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

113. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

114. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

115. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places.'

116. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

117. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are three of the primary colors.

118. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

119. Your idean of talking during sex is, "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

120. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

121. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

122. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.

123. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.

124. Ya have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

125. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

126. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

127. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

128. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

129. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

130. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

131. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide

132. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

133. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

134. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

135. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

136. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

137. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

138. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

139. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)

140. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

141. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

142. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

143. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

144. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

145. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "

146. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

147. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

148. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

149. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

150. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.


:keyboard:

yesfannh
08-03-2006, 02:48 PM
<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction.

"&#163;85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"&#163;85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist .

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock &#163;15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still
without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But
the price could drop to &#163;40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge
you &#163;5. But it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can
ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"





</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<HR>

ToBeOver
08-03-2006, 03:28 PM
Even more reasons why you may be a redneck:

151. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

152. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

153. On your job application under "SEX" you put, "As often as possible."

154. During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.

155. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

156. On your first date, you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

157. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

158. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

159. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

160. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

161. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

162. Your child's first words are. "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

163. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

164. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

165. You bring your dog to work with you.

166. If your richest relative buys a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it, you might be a redneck.

167. If you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

168. If you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

169. If you've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

170. If you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.

171. If your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department.

172. If The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.

173. If you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

174. If you think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

175. If there is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.

176. If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

177. If you made a homemade hot-tub with a trolling motor.

178. If your bicycle has a gun rack.

179. If you prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them

180. If you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

181. If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

182. If your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.

183. If less than half the cars you own run.

184. If you grow your sideburns longer & fuller because it looks so good on your sister.

185. If your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

186. If the primary color of your car is "Bond-O"...

187. If your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.

188. If you have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom.

189. If your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.

190. If you are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

191. If you own a denim leisure suit.

192. If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

193. If the UFO Hotline limits you to one call per day.

194. If you know how many bales of hay your car can hold.

195. If you've ever used a Weed Eater indoors.

196. If you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

197. If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

198. If the kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

199. If your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

200. If you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.


:keyboard:

Sheerah
08-04-2006, 12:52 PM
A priest comes running into the convent.

"Sisters, Sisters, we have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"

Sister Mary replies, relieved, "Thank goodness, Father! I was getting tired of the Chardonnay."

mmmYes
08-04-2006, 04:39 PM
Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Wild Westie
08-04-2006, 07:44 PM
You Know You're Stressed When ...

*Relatives who have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

*The sun is too loud.

*You are missing several days from this week.

*You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

*You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

*You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

*You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

*Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

*You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

*You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the next day. :D

Yes.2
08-04-2006, 08:01 PM
LOL! :lmao:

ToBeOver
08-05-2006, 04:00 AM
Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


:dog:

Good one, Lisa!

More signs that you may be a redneck:

201. If you use your mailbox to hold up one end of your clothesline.

202. If you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

203. If you owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.

204. If during your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.

205. If you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

206. If hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estimate.

207. If you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

208. If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

209. If you have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.

210. If you didn't put the pink plastic flamingoes in your front yard as a joke.

211. If the manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it's time to wash your hair.

212. If everybody you meet can tell you what kind of underwear you're wearing.

213. If your family tree does not fork.

214. If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

215. If you see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

216. If you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

217. If you have a rag for a gas cap.

218. If you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.

219. If a man lights your cigarette and your show him your bra.

220. If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

221. If the crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been for more than a year.

222. If you show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

223. If you have to dress the kids up to go to K-Mart.

224. If you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

225. If you've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.

226. If Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

227. If your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

228. If your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.

229. If you've ever had to turn your pick-up truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

230. If you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

231. If you are famous for your homemade squash wine.

232. If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."

233. If you have to recrank your car at ever intersection.

234. If the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

235. If you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet hanging out the car window.

236. If you ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

237. If you view duct tape as a long-term investment.

238. If you regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."

239. If your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on thr side of the highway.

240. If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

241. If you grow corn in your front yard.

242. If you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions.

243. If you bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

244. If Red Man Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

245. If every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.

246. If you've ever hit a jukebox with a cue stick.

247. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

248. If you've ever taken a beer to a job interview.

249. If you've ever stolen a bulldozer.

250. If your dress is strapless and your bra isn't.


:keyboard:

Martin Riley
08-07-2006, 08:26 AM
Why we split up ...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up, £150 for a cut & colour,
£30 for a manicure, £40 for a pedicure, £50 on vitamins, £300 on clothes
and £600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

True Believer
08-09-2006, 06:41 PM
A Fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through
the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
 

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an
overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
 

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
 

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie." 

 

Martin Riley
08-10-2006, 03:25 AM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.



As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a Seductive sound.



The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."



Distraught, the man is forced to leave.



Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.



The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."



The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."



The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answers, you! will have become a monk."



The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.



"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: by design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."



The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door"



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door Is another door made of stone.



The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.



And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.



Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."



The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!



He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>





>







But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

pedro skychaser
08-10-2006, 11:26 PM
got me...bugger.

Orbert
08-11-2006, 01:04 AM
Hey, I'm a monk. Tell me!

Yes2Yes
08-11-2006, 05:52 PM
It's Not For Him, Stupid

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

DaveJB
08-11-2006, 06:41 PM
Joe, who's 75 yrs old, is out tooling around in his new convertible Corvette, down Florida way. He's out on the I-4 expressway and decides to open 'er up to see what she'll do.

He's driving along doing 55, then steps on the gas. He's up to 65, 75, 85, 90 mph when he see's flashing lights in his rearview mirror. He sees the lights and thinks "what am I doing?? I'm too old to be doing this dumb kid stuff!"

Well, the state trooper pulls old Joe over, then walks to Joe's cool new car. He leans in Joe's window and says he's at the end of his shift and doesn't want to have to mess around filling in the paper ticketwork. He'd just rather go home. So, if Joe can tell him a reason for speeding he hasn't heard before, he'll let Joe go with a warning.

Thinking fast, Joe says "Mr. Trooper, years ago my wife ran off with a trooper just like you. I was afraid you were bringing her back!"

The trooper let Joe go!

cinderella
08-12-2006, 01:47 AM
A Letter To The President

Dear President Bush:

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna. Drop us (parachutes preferably) across the landscape of any hostile country and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed terrorists tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands,( if they haven't left already.) And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose!

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, the zone diet, and the grapefruit diet. We've been in gyms and saunas across America, and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in any hostile terrain with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands, lovers or boyfriends in bars, hardware stores, and sporting events.....finding a terrorist in some cave will be no problem.

Helping provide a peace plan in any unstable volitile situation? Oh please.....we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for years....we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it.....with or without the government's help!

Let us go an fight.

Sincerely,

The Mature Women of the United States

pedro skychaser
08-12-2006, 07:13 AM
A Letter To The President

Dear President Bush:

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna. Drop us (parachutes preferably) across the landscape of any hostile country and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed terrorists tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands,( if they haven't left already.) And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose!

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, the zone diet, and the grapefruit diet. We've been in gyms and saunas across America, and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in any hostile terrain with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands, lovers or boyfriends in bars, hardware stores, and sporting events.....finding a terrorist in some cave will be no problem.

Helping provide a peace plan in any unstable volitile situation? Oh please.....we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for years....we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it.....with or without the government's help!

Let us go an fight.

Sincerely,

The Mature Women of the United States
can't argue with that...go you goldenGirls!

Yes2Yes
08-12-2006, 07:21 AM
Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and penis. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a penis. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's a--."

ToBeOver
08-12-2006, 08:03 PM
Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and penis. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a penis. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's a--."



:lmao:

Good one, Mike!



"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."


:keyboard:

fovman
08-12-2006, 08:17 PM
Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and penis. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a penis. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's a--."

Tarzan later attended a banquet. During the main course Tarzan's elephant truck penis appeared above the table and grabbed his baked potato from his plate...and quickly went back under the table. The lady next to him saw this out of the corner of her eyes but disturbingly thought she was seeing things. A few minutes later his trunk came up again and grab the potato off of her plate and went back under the table. Astounded, still not believing her eyes; she said."Sir, could I please see that again!
Tarzan said, "I'm sorry....but I don't think I can fit another potato up my a*s.

Wild Westie
08-14-2006, 07:22 AM
'I'm Stinking On A Jet Plane'
(sung to "I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane")

All my bags are packed
My carry on's full
With shampoo, hairspray
And toothpaste tubes
Can't go without mouthwash or
Chanel #5
But the airport folks
They have their doubts
Anything liquid they're pourin' out
TSA has already left me dry

So frisk me, security
Throw out all my stuff on me
This cup of Starbucks
I hate to see it go

I'm stinking on a jet plane
My deodorant I won't get back again
Oh, babe ~ I've got b.o.

soulsearcher
08-14-2006, 08:55 AM
Tarzan later attended a banquet. During the main course Tarzan's elephant truck penis appeared above the table and grabbed his baked potato from his plate...and quickly went back under the table. The lady next to him saw this out of the corner of her eyes but disturbingly thought she was seeing things. A few minutes later his trunk came up again and grab the potato off of her plate and went back under the table. Astounded, still not believing her eyes; she said."Sir, could I please see that again!
Tarzan said, "I'm sorry....but I don't think I can fit another potato up my a*s.

:dog:

gunsfornuns
08-15-2006, 07:02 AM
When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home! "I'll have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

yesfannh
08-15-2006, 09:46 AM
A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old
grandfather had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the
funeral was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother. She asked, ": What happened granny?" Granny
said,"It was Sunday morning and we were having sex as we did every Sunday
when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm
with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and dong out. I
think he might have avoided that fatal heart attack if that frigging ice
cream truck hadn't passed. His heart just couldn't stand the pace."

yesfannh
08-15-2006, 09:51 AM
<STYLE></STYLE>--- IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS .
__________________________________________________ ____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,! "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________ _____
STAY ALERT! They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

ToBeOver
08-16-2006, 03:32 AM
You might be an engineer if:

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

:keyboard:

gunsfornuns
08-16-2006, 06:51 AM
Ol' Boudreaux been fishin' down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He 'bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up de behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm tryin' to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he has a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'. A while later Boudreaux feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was wit two more frogs...

True Believer
08-16-2006, 07:38 PM
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!!

pedro skychaser
08-16-2006, 08:33 PM
talk about home Truths TB-excellent...

Yes2Yes
08-18-2006, 08:37 AM
I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''